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NFL PICKS: WEEK 16
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Sanity Clause)
"I am he; As you are he; As you are me; And we are all together"
- The Beatles
Dear Santa,
I have a split personality. No I don't. Well, yes I do because I am Santa Claus and I'd like Christmas Eve off this year for Christmas. Plus, I want a LaDainian Tomlinson jersey, and a yo-yo. I've always wanted a yo-yo.
I can't get Christmas Eve off? I figured as much. I've heard bad things about you from the reindeer and the elves and especially from NFL fans. In fact, they complain to me all the time about you. But don't tell yourself, and if you do, you didn't hear it from me.
All right, if I can't get the night off, can you at least stop all these letters from Cleveland Browns fans and Democrats? Ohio! Sheesh. I am sick of hearing about Ohio.
And speaking of letters, day after day another letter comes from John Kerry or Jim Mora Jr. explaining a joke and asking for a new reputation. Aaargh! Please stop it! Some things are impossible.
And then I get these long, convoluted misspelled letters from Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. urging me to go shopping. Like I didn't know it was Christmas.
Anyway, the voices in my head wanted to go caroling over your house because they heard you've got a hot wife with lots of cookies. But the usual protesters (angry over last week's football picks) were waiting, so I turned around and instead wrote you this letter.
I know you are busy at this time of year but if you could just take a moment to think of myself once in a while. You know, you can't help others unless you take care of me first. So Merry Christmas, Santa. And can I please have a yo-yo?
Yours truly,
Santa
P.S. If you are really Santa, you'll let me win all these games.
VIKINGS AT PACKERS - This might be Brett Favre's final game at Lambeau Field, just like last year's final home game, and, well, next year's. Soon, he will join The Who for their next retirement tour. On Friday morning, I have a strong feeling about this Thursday night game. Packers 9, Vikings 7
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS - Art Shell cuts Robert Gallery at halftime and becomes a player coach. The offensive line plays much better. Raiders 17, Chiefs 14
PANTHERS AT FALCONS - Even though Falcons coach Jim Mora Jr. has a new career writing jokes for John Kerry, Panthers quarterback Chris Weinke is 1-16 in his career as a starter and there's no evidence to suggest he won't go 1-17. Falcons 24, Panthers 16
TITANS AT BILLS - The Titans have a Director of Mascot Operations and he's being SUED. I hope he is forced to testify as the mascot and it's on Court TV with Nancy Grace getting attack-happy on the mascot. Titans 23, Bills 20
BUCCANEERS AT BROWNS - An actual staph infection will start at right offensive tackle for the Browns. On the defensive line, instead of Ted Washington, the Browns are starting a tollbooth worker named Fred because they may as well collect from all that traffic. And yet, playmakers make plays and Derek Anderson has found the Kurt Warner/Tom Brady/Brian Sipe come-out-of-nowhere career manual that Kelly Holcomb lost a few years ago in the locker room. Browns 28, Buccaneers 24
BEARS AT LIONS - If your child gets a Tank Johnson action figure for Christmas, call 911. If you are a Bears fan, boo! Ha, made you jump same as if I'd said Rex Grossman! Lions 24, Bears 14
COLTS AT TEXANS - The poor Texans. Last week, they gave up 41 points to Tom Brady. And Peyton Manning's Brady Complex (diagnosed by Dr. Tony Siragusa or some similarly-qualified psychiatrist) won't allow him to score less than 42. Colts 40, Texans 7
PATRIOTS AT JAGUARS - Last week, the Patriots dismantled a minor league team called the Houston Texans. This week, they get a major challenge by going to Jacksonville. They also get a major upgrade if Rodney Harrison plays. The run to the playoffs has started. Watch for a Brady two-minute drill to win the game. Patriots 28, Jaguars 27
SAINTS AT GIANTS - Eli Manning plays the best game of his career and Reggie Bush fumbles. It's Christmas in New York. Giants 35, Saints 24
RAVENS AT STEELERS - Ray Lewis drowns in reindeer droppings that fall from the sky. The Steelers play their best game of the year. Steelers 31, Ravens 10
REDSKINS AT RAMS - On any given Sunday in late December, you get a football game like this. Rams 12, Redskins 6
CARDINALS AT 49ERS - On any given Sunday in late December, even a football game like this can be exciting. 49ers 36, Cardinals 33
BENGALS AT BRONCOS - A running back named Bell scores a touchdown for the Broncos. And then a running back named Bell scores a touchdown for the Broncos. The Bengals are fooled into believing the Bells are from the Salvation Army and so they donate a victory. Broncos 26, Bengals 23
CHARGERS AT SEAHAWKS - Because he is bored, LaDainian Tomlinson breaks Dan Marino's touchdown passing record and Bruce Smith's sack record. Chargers 27, Seahawks 14
EAGLES AT COWBOYS - Promotional gift as you walk in the door - a box of spit. Jeff Garcia returns his. So does Donovan McNabb, but he text messages first. Bill Parcells goes to his meditation room and puts his next to a stationary bike by his painkillers underneath a framed photo of Mike Vanderjagt while sounds of "the player" snoring on tape play constantly. Cowboys 29, Eagles 21
JETS AT DOLPHINS - The Jets are boring and mediocre and well coached. The Dolphins are boring and mediocre and Nick Saban is their coach. Jets 20, Dolphins 14
This column is sponsored by lonely mistletoe farmers.
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