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2007 NFL PICKS: WEEK 17
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Benazir Bhutto’s Final Week 17 NFL Picks)
“I watched with glee;While your kings and queens;Fought for ten decades;For the gods they made”
- Rolling Stones
BENAZIR BHUTTO’S LAST SPEECH: I’d like to thank you for cheering for my plan to get the Patriots’ game on free TV, but could somebody please keep on eye on that guy over there. He looks like a soccer fan, perhaps a hooligan.
Allow me to continue. I’ve been doing everything I can to ensure that the final New England Patriots game of the regular season will air on free Pakistani TV. But that dog, Musharraf, wants his military channel to carry the game – at a price. Meanwhile, the tall goofy terrorist in the mountains doesn’t want cheerleaders or beer commercials.
There’s always a price when you don’t have freedom, isn’t there?
And now that the end of the NFL season is upon us, it saddens me. But I have hope that, although things will never be the same again, maybe somehow they can be better.
Let me conclude by acknowledging that people are always asking me to make weekly NFL predictions. But in this final week in which only half the teams are trying, it’s difficult to make every decision correctly especially if due diligence isn’t taken. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.
All I know is that you have to stand up for what you believe in, and I believe this is whatzgonnahappen.
PATRIOTS AT GIANTS – I’m watching the game on CSPAN. Chris Collinsworth and Tim Russert are the announcers and Doris Kearns Goodwin blogs it while sitting on John Madden’s lap. Meanwhile Bill Belichick steals the Times Square dropping ball and holds 2008 for ransom. Despite taking an entire year hostage, he is only charged a third round draft pick – proving time isn’t worth what it used to be. Oh, the game? Records are broken. Yawn. Patriots 50, Giants 20
49ERS AT BROWNS – If this game meant something, I would expect the Browns to lose in a heartbreaking, surreal way. But since it doesn’t matter, look for the good Derek Anderson to re-emerge. Browns 31, 49ers 14
BENGALS AT DOLPHINS – A tuna is in charge of the Dolphins? I must have missed that day in biology. Dolphins 23, Bengals 20
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – Doggone it, another meaningless game. Doggone it. Doggone it. Do you get it? One more time … Free Mike Vick; doggone it. Falcons 6, Seahawks 3
LIONS AT PACKERS – The Packers don’t need to win but after last week, they kind of need a win. Well, not as much as John Kitna needs a new crystal ball. Packers 20, Lions 13
BILLS AT EAGLES – Hi, my name is Donovan McNabb. Look how good I played in my last game as an Eagle. Can I have a job? Would you like to see my resume? And no, you may not contact Terrell Owens as a reference. Eagles 23, Bills 19
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Christmas is over and yet Luke McCown gives the Panthers a present – well, three (interceptions) actually. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 17
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Sage Rosenfels plays like a baseball September call-up who hits .400 against inferior pitching. Texans 30, Jaguars 20
SAINTS AT BEARS – The Saints go to football hell. I want to make the score 66-6, but instead - Bears 21, Saints 0
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – In the prime of their careers, Brad Johnson versus Todd Collins sounded boring. But even with those guys backup-quarterbacking in the twilight of their careers in this half-meaningless game, Cowboys/Redskins still never sounds boring. Redskins 27, Cowboys 17
CHIEFS AT JETS – Chad Pennington buys a Chiefs jersey and has his name sewn on it. Jets 9, Chiefs 7
VIKINGS AT BRONCOS – Adrian Peterson is the most fun running back to watch since Barry Sanders. Vikings 21, Broncos 14
STEELERS AT RAVENS – Brian Billick’s career lands on Ray Lewis and squashes him. Steelers 17, Ravens 14
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders are horrible and the Chargers are gaining momentum. But after a Norv Turner inspirational speech to the Chargers, the Raiders win. Raiders 13, Chargers 10
RAMS AT CARDINALS – Somehow, this feels like the game of the week. Some week. Cardinals 42, Rams 35
TITANS AT COLTS – Cardiologists in Cleveland are standing by. But there is nothing to worry about. Jim Sorgi has a career day. Colts 30, Titans 10
When I was a kid, the inspirational leaders were all assassinated. It seemed to be the rule.
So fellow NFL fans, please don’t pray to those mean gods who love weapons. Pray to the gods who love touchdowns.
Happy New Year!
Peace.
This column is sponsored by 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1.
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