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NFL PICKS: WEEK 17
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WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Opus Dei & The Nightly News)
"We chased our pleasures here; Dug our treasures there; But can you still recall; The time we cried; Break on through to the other side"
- The Doors
Do you want to know who is going to be in the NFL playoffs?
If you look closely at this particular velvet painting of dogs playing poker you can easily see the rich symbolism that the artist cleverly hid from blind people. It is hanging in the Oval Office because I like the subtlety plus I like that word - subtlety!!!!!
So, uh, hi. I am George W. Bush, your tour guide at the White House. I know what you are thinking, but trust me when I tell you that I have plenty of time to conduct tours and predict football games based on this classic art you see before you. I've got everything else under control, plus I could use the extra cash. Ha, ha, ha.
Ha.
Do you get it? It was a joke, because, you know, I don't have extra cash. Yeah, it was irony. The twins taught me that irony is hip. Those twins! I thought they said ironing, so look at me all starched and pressed. It's funny. I could be president or something, huh? Ha.
So anyway, I spent all my money on a war and I needed a part-time job. What? Why does everyone want to always talk about the war? We're not winning and we're not losing. Of course we're winning. Osama bin Laden is dead or alive, isn't he?
Look America, the NFL playoff scenario is complicationary. And my mom gave me this cryptex, which as you know, if you read "The Norman Rockwell Code", is a vault for storing secret information. It was invented by Leonardo Machiavelli and Bill Belichick in a cross-centuries collaboration. It's very complicated if you didn't go to Yale. But my skull and bones figured it out easy as pie.
Dick Cheney explained it all to me, and that's about when I recall we decided to invade Iraq. Actually, I don't recall. (You like that phrase? "I don't recall." It works for almost every president, I think. Well, no, I don't really think. Ha. (pause) Ha.)
Oh yeah. So. The playoffs, right? Um, I don't know. Give me time to think about it. Say, do you have any ideas? You know, I'd like to consult and stuff and report back to you in a few weeks - maybe February 5 or so. What's the hurry? Your team isn't going to disappear, is it? And if it does, well, I'm sorry but I am busy thinking.
GIANTS AT REDSKINS - Lots of teams are counting on the Giants to lose this weekend and the team doesn't let anyone down except, well, their fans. Redskins 18, Giants 12
BROWNS AT TEXANS - Ken Dorsey channels Otto Graham. It's more plausible than any football reason I could dream up. The Cleveland Browns, my favorite football team, may be the worst team in the history of sports, including even football. Browns 100 Texans 0
LIONS AT COWBOYS - Just when Drew Bledsoe thought his Tony Romo voodoo doll was working perfectly (and it was), the Lions come to town. Cowboys 26, Lions 13
PATRIOTS AT TITANS - This game features my two favorite NFL quarterbacks. One is the best now, and one will be the best soon - but not Sunday. Patriots 30, Titans 19
SEAHAWKS AT BUCCANEERS - The good Seahawks make a surprise appearance this week just to mess with people trying to predict next week's playoff games. Seahawks 31, Buccaneers 17
STEELERS AT BENGALS - Although the Bengals could be easily distracted by scoreboard watching, the Steelers are more distracted because Bill Cowher gives his pre-game speech about real estate in North Carolina. Bengals 39, Steelers 13
RAIDERS AT JETS - Last week Raiders quarterback Andrew Walter had two fumbles and threw two interceptions and this week, he expects to be the best player for the Jets. Jets 27, Raiders 10
PANTHERS AT SAINTS - The Saints don't need this game but the Panthers don't want it, and Saints fans do. Saints 24, Panthers 19
RAMS AT VIKINGS - If the Rams make the playoffs - and it is somehow possible and even likely - they will have done it with a season ending streak beating the Raiders, the Redskins, and this week the Vikings. That's some kind of juggernaut, eh? Rams 28, Vikings 21
JAGUARS AT CHIEFS - These two teams are counting on divine intervention in about 97 other games. In the end it won't matter but Larry Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew are going to have an old-fashioned battering ram contest. Johnson wins. Chiefs 23. Jaguars 20
CARDINALS AT CHARGERS - With Kurt Warner back at quarterback, watch the Cardinals score first, and second. And then, well… Chargers 42, Cardinals 14
49ERS AT BRONCOS - Denver International Airport applies for an expansion team since it has so many permanent residents. Meanwhile, the Broncos are in the playoffs with a win and the 49ers have melted like, um, snow. Broncos 30, 49ers 20
FALCONS AT EAGLES - Listen up. Jeff Garcia is not going to the Hall of Fame. Falcons 27, Eagles 13
DOLPHINS AT COLTS - Tony Dungy's defense can't stop the run and his offense can't even complete a kiss in a pre-planned TV commercial. Meanwhile, Nick Saban has never heard of Alabama. Colts 33, Dolphins 16
BILLS AT RAVENS - Someone wearing defective 2007 commemorative big glasses bumps into Ray Lewis and all I can report is that it was a freak accident. It could happen once a year at most. Meanwhile, this game plays out like anything but an accident. Ravens 33, Bills 7
PACKERS AT BEARS - A great rivalry game involving Chicago's backups and a disinterested Packers team. America is enthralled. Bears 20, Packers 17
Ah-choo! Sorry. I am allergic to 2006.
I caught the allergy early on and ever since, this year has made me sick. But next year?
Oh gosh, I believe in next year. Always have.
In fact, I've been planning for 2007 for as long as I can remember. Haven't you?
This column is sponsored by blind optimism.
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