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Friday, September 15th
“The change, it had to come;
We knew it all along; We were liberated from the
fold, that’s all; And the world looks just
the same; And history ain’t changed; Cause
the banners, they all flown in the last war”
- The Who
I think I’m quoting the president when I
say I am not misuninformed.
I heard in New England that disgruntled receiver
Deion Branch was traded to Seattle because he
was making all of his gruntled teammates grumble
and the coach was worried they might become combobulated
when he wants them to strive for peccable. Word
up.
But there was more to it than obvious mathematical
logic; there always is in the cold drama that
is the NFL. It was a show down like the Old West
- lawyers used blackberries.
And Bill Belichick, just back from judging a
hooded sweatshirt show in Paris, apparently decided
(perhaps justifiably) that if Tom Brady is throwing
the ball it doesn’t matter who is catching
it as long as they are wearing the proper clothing
- Patriots’ uniforms.
It’s about clothing and Tom Brady who, Bill
Belichick is clearly convinced, would win with
Troy Brown and your grandma running patterns -
as long as she’s styling!
And in a football sense, the Belichick move is
ingenious because his team gets the first draft
pick of the Seahawks. How’s this for smart
- trade a receiver who has won the Super Bowl
MVP to a team that almost won the Super Bowl…
They should suck, right?
I’m betting this move actually is brilliant.
I’d write more, but I’ve got to get
the phone. Wait a minute. “Grandma, it’s
for you!”
I love Grandma, may she rest in peace, because
she is the only person in the world who ever told
me that I am ept. Plus, she’s on my fantasy
team for next week. I call her my weapon of Grams’
deception because she is still alive in my heart
- I don’t care what the evidence says. My
delusions will not be misunderestimated.
BROWNS AT BENGALS - Chad Johnson scores an 80-yard
touchdown but then pulls his hamstring unveiling
his within-the-rules Electric Slide celebration.
Carson Palmer spends the rest of the game looking
to throw to T.J. Houshyermama because he is on
Palmer’s fantasy team. When the Browns’
imaginative offense has the ball, Charlie Frye
throws 40 consecutive 6-yard passes to Kellen
Winslow Jr. It works! Browns 27, Bengals 24
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS - Michael Vick is inventing
a new position in Atlanta - not quite quarterback,
not exactly Superman - Superback? On the other
hand, why did the NFL abandon Tampa Bay? Did you
see the results last week? Falcons 17, Buccaneers
14
RAIDERS AT RAVENS - Autopsy reports on Ray Lewis
indicate the cause of his demise was an errant
pompom tossed by Jerry Porter after a Ravens’
touchdown. Autopsy reports on the Raiders’
season are already planned. Ravens 23, Raiders
3
LIONS AT BEARS - What a difference a year makes.
Last year at this time, Roy Williams was guaranteeing
he’d finish his sandwich. I believed him
then. Lions 21, Bears 17
SAINTS AT PACKERS - On his way to NFL superstardom,
Reggie Bush passes Brett Favre going the other
way. Saints 31, Packers 2
TEXANS AT COLTS - Peyton Manning throws four
Touchdown passes. Mario Williams, also known as
Courtney Brown, wears his uniform. And I remain
the only person in the entire world reminding
the Texans how good Reggie Bush is. Colts 40,
Texans 10
BILLS AT DOLPHINS - The Buffalo Bills are going
to be better than the Miami Dolphins this year.
You heard it here first. (If I am wrong, I want
to go on the record declaring that I will deny
I ever wrote what I just wrote.) Bills 28, Dolphins
20
PANTHERS AT VIKINGS - If someone can teach Troy
Williamson that his job is to hold onto the ball,
the Vikings are going to be a very good football
team. Vikings 25, Panthers 17
GIANTS AT EAGLES - I reserve my right to change
my mind (over and over if necessary) about a team
and I think I may have been wrong assessing the
Eagles. Since I know the ego of a city depends
on how an unknown Internet columnist perceives
your NFL team, I apologize to Philadelphia. Good
team, those Eagles. Please call off the leg breakers.
Eagles 23, Giants 21
RAMS AT 49ERS - Last week, Rams kicker Jeff Wilkins
kicked six field goals, certifying the team’s
transition from the greatest show on turf to the
greatest toe on turf. This week, ten field goals.
Rams 30, 49ers 14
CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS - The best quarterback
I ever saw for one season was Kurt Warner in 1999.
If THAT Kurt Warner is back, watch out. Cardinals
30, Seahawks 20
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS - Last week, smart readers
noticed that I found it in my heart to let the
Chiefs play in two games (don’t look, it’s
since been changed). It was this column’s
version of a grant program. If they keep losing,
they may get into more games next week. Broncos
19, Chiefs 10
PATRIOTS AT JETS - This has barnburner written
all over it, but I’m thinking somebody’s
grandma scores at the end to win it for the Patriots.
Patriots 34, Jets 31
TITANS AT CHARGERS - In three years, Philip Rivers
and Vince Young will be the two best quarterbacks
in the league (well, except for Charlie Frye,
obviously, and Tom Brady, who seems to play in
a league of his own). This game isn’t being
played in three years. More L.T. all the time.
Chargers 19, Titans 13
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS - Every reporter in Dallas
asks the coach, “Are you ready to change
quarterbacks now? How about now? No? How about
now? Now? No? How about now?” Cowboys 28,
Redskins 14
STEELERS AT JAGUARS - When I was growing up in
Cleveland, the nuns taught us that if you can’t
say something nice about the Pittsburgh Steelers,
you should say something really bad. These were
special nuns. Their habits were brown and orange.
(Hey this is America; I can worship how I want
- and yes, I am a fanatic.) So anyway, in this
game, Byron Leftwich tears apart the Steelers
defense as if he is still in the MAC because the
truth doesn’t matter in a blog (like a newspaper
except without the paper … or the news) and
because it could happen. More likely, look for
low scoring. Jaguars 12, Steelers 9
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It takes more than beer and Free CheeZeburgerZ
to create this website. It takes a roomful of
typing monkeys getting lucky stringing vowels
and consonants together.
But let me interrupt the monkeys for a moment
to thank three people who have, frankly, freaked
me out with their kindness - two of whom I have
never even met. The brave people helping me in
this early stage are geniuses, which is a good
thing, because I am merely a monkey trainer.
Steve Riley (get this, a Steelers’ fan!),
of Momentum Communications (of Harrisburg, PA)
is the one responsible if you happen to hear my
voice on the radio. Steve, a public relations
and marketing guru, volunteered to help for reasons
unknown to me and within five minutes, he was
having success! He’s a genius, and luckily
for me, he knows people who know people. I don’t
even know one person. I know monkeys. So if you
want help with marketing, I recommend that you
fire everyone and give Steve all your business.
I’m serious. Contact him: sriley@momentumcom.com
Alison Dann (a Browns’ fan, thank goodness)
is an editor who realized as soon as she saw that
I can’t spell NFL (I forget the “F”)
that I desperately need someone to check my spelling
and grammar. Yes, Alison has volunteered for perhaps
the most difficult American task outside of the
military - stopping me from appearing illiterate.
She is a genius; I am serious. I hereby testify
that if you want help with words of any kind,
including words you want to invent, you should
take out your checkbook and write the biggest
check you’ve ever written and sign it over
to Alison. Spell her name right and she will help
you.
Finally, but most importantly, there is my guru
of webmastering, Alan Eldredge (a Patriots fan),
who is an actual friend that I have met and shaken
his hand. Alan is a technical genius, a guitar
master, and one of the nicest people on Earth
- plus he was patient enough to listen for hours
to my vision for this simple website and then
deliver something even better. Alan is a web designer
extraordinaire that you should hire immediately
and let him help you, because he is the best.
Oh, and he also has the best freeware site in
the world - www. Something. Contact him through
there…his link is at the very bottom of this
page.
--
For now, there are only two links in my favorites
section because I like my football served funny.
If you read me, you know I don’t know about
football - never heard of the sport.
But the people at these two websites have all
the information you need. Mike Florio of Profootballtalk.com
is the funniest and most informative national
NFL writer in the country, and theOBR.com - especially
Barry McBride and the great John Taylor - is the
very best place to go for Cleveland Browns news
- which anyone who cheers for any NFL team, or
simply knows how to breath, should crave.
Full disclosure - years ago I worked at the legendary
nfltalk.com - apparently the godfather of rogue
football sites - with Taylor and Florio.
--
Donations gracefully
and gratefully accepted...
So if you’ve read this far, you know that
my only other possible qualification for employment
involves the phrase, “Would you like fries
with that?”
So let me practice: Would you like to donate
sums of money to this website in order to help
feed the typing monkeys and occasionally clean
their cages?
See, I can never get hired at those fast food
places even though I am an expert on CheeZeburgerZ.
So how about this - why not just ADVERTISE ON
THIS SITE or CLICK ON THE ADS and then TELL EVERYONE
to visit for a laugh? That would help.
Last week, on my first day in business, I earned
13 cents and I’d like to thank the person
who clicked on an ad. (Hi Mom!) I tell you this
information so you will know where I start from
when I begin declaring legitimately that this
is the fastest-growing website in America.
In the meantime, would you like fries with that?
And yes, you can donate money but I recommend
you buy beer:
Brian Tarcy
P.O. Box 1225
N. Falmouth, MA
02556
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This column is sponsored by a second mortgage
on my toothbrush.
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