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NFL PICKS: WEEK 3
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Kellen Winslow Jr.’s Speech to the U.N.)
Hush hush; Keep it down now; Voices carry
- Til Tuesday
Good evening ladies and gentlemen -
My name is Kellen Winslow and I invited myself here to say that 90 percent of me gives a better speech than any of you nutcases.
As the tight end of the Cleveland Browns (loud cheering), a position traditionally asked to speak before this international gathering, I come with an urgent message about the most pressing issue of our time – specifically why I, Kellen Winslow, am not on the field for third down.
I don’t mean to go behind the backs of my coaches so let’s keep this between you and me, the worldwide television audience – hi Dad! - the international press, those cameras over there (smiles), and all of the citizens of all of your countries plus two or three generations after that.
But don’t tell Coach Romeo Crennel. I have a ton of respect for him.
Look, Romeo’s not the problem. I don’t think. It’s true. I don’t think.
But I can talk and talk so listen to me. I always do. As I was doing 90-mph wheelies on my motorcycle over potholes and curbs on my way over here, my mind was totally focused on safety – yes, the safety that I, Kellen Winslow, could beat in every game if the offensive coordinator, a man I call “Satan” would just design a game plan that didn’t smell like sulfur. But no. He acts like he is the coordinator of the offense. Truly. As the coordinator of the offense. (Blesses himself with the sign of Kellen).
You know that I’m a soldier, right?
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If you look at the schedule, this is the kind of weekend that makes one think that a Supreme Being invented the NFL. Great games up and down, including the wonderful return of the Saints to New Orleans on Monday Night.
And speaking of the Supreme Being, while you are praying for your team this weekend how about please also remembering the thousands of people displaced last year by His hurricane and our inept government.
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JETS AT BILLS – Smart is smart, and age doesn’t matter. The Jets are playing well under coach Eric Mangini, who, at 35, is the youngest coach in the NFL, while Marv Levy, the architect of the rising Buffalo Bills, is 81. On the other hand, dumb is dumb. I am between those ages, and I do this. Bills 30, Jets 20
PACKERS AT LIONS – If Brett Favre gets traded it will only be to a playoff contender therefore he won’t be traded to the Lions. Packers 26, Lions 20
REDSKINS AT TEXANS – Trying to get Texans fans to like him, because his play isn’t helping, Mario Williams wears a Reggie Bush jersey to the stadium. Redskins 10, Texans 7
BYE AT RAIDERS – Raiders lose. Bye 99, Raiders 0
JAGUARS AT COLTS – Like a politician, I have theories that I can invent but can’t prove. My current theory is that the Colts have the best offense in the league and the Jaguars have the best defense. But if you ask me, I think my theory is flawed. I think I’m covered now. Colts 31, Jaguars 19
TITANS AT DOLPHINS – The Titans dedicate the game to Billy Volek. Dolphins 34, Titans 6
BEARS AT VIKINGS – My test tube team this year is the Minnesota Vikings. I believe they will prove the value of an offensive guard. Right now, I am the only one on the bandwagon. Vikings 28, Bears 18
BYE AT CHIEFS – Herman Edwards receives emails from agents of all NFL quarterbacks saying that if any of their clients are ever traded to or signs with any team that he ever coaches, their clients shall refuse to play in the first game of the season.
BENGALS AT STEELERS – It pains me to say that Carson Palmer is a great quarterback and that Chad Johnson’s pumpkin-striped head is difficult (though not impossible!) to hit. On the other hand, I love to say that the Steelers were shut out last week. Zero is my new favorite word, my favorite number, and my favorite color. Zero! Bengals 40, Steelers 0
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Chris Simms grew up with a poster of Phil Simms on his wall. It was punishment. Buccaneers 17, Panthers 10
RAVENS AT BROWNS – On eight critical third downs in a row, Kellen Winslow Jr. proves all of his critics wrong by catching key passes, scoring forty (or so) touchdowns, and then winning a halftime iron cage battle of big egos death match with Ray Lewis (on the NFL Network!). Like the wicked witch of the west, or Mike Tyson looking at Buster Douglas, Ray melts in the face of a real ego. Go Kellen, soldier on! Browns 13, Ravens 9
BYE AT COWBOYS – Terrell Owens’ broken finger holds a well-attended press conference while in the next room someone else holds a press conference to announce a cure for all diseases but no one shows up so the distraught would-be hero rips up the plan and buys a T.O. jersey.
RAMS AT CARDINALS – The Cardinals have a contraption that moves grass from Saudi Arabia (well, designed by someone who has heard of Saudi Arabia, but what’s a small detail in a big story during these times?) into their stadium and then back out. They spent a lot of time thinking about this. For the first time ever, they also have spent time thinking of their football team. Cardinals 29, Rams 22
EAGLES AT 49ERS – I was on the Eagles bandwagon and just as quickly off. I feel a vibe, or is that a rash. 49ers 20, Eagles 19
GIANTS AT SEAHAWKS – This was the hardest game of the week for me to figure out because I lost my magic coin of logic. So if I’m wrong on this one, it’s because I actually thought about it and I think I trust the Seahawks at home. Seahawks 23, Giants 21
BYE AT CHARGERS – In a private ceremony, Marty Schottenheimer takes down his Drew Brees poster.
BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – Two great tight ends, two great running backs, a promising rookie wide receiver and the words, “Deion who?” Patriots 28, Broncos 18
FALCONS AT SAINTS – The unbeaten Falcons are running some sort of wishbone offense that no one has seen before and the unbeaten Saints have beaten the Browns and Packers. Logic says to favor the Falcons. No one reads this column looking for logic. Saints 33, Falcons 30
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Charles Darwin began believing in evolution when he spotted a monkey and said, “That looks like Grandpa.” But some people think that the truth about evolution actually involves the workings of a Supreme Being, and that is certainly the case when it comes to the evolution of the design of this website.
Quick story: last week my previous designer had a sudden crisis causing him to be unable to help me. And since I know as much about HTML as I know about, well, football, it was clear that I desperately needed help from a Web & Database Guy.
Anyway, the fan of a winning football team once told me that everything happens for a reason, and so I looked and found Web & Database Guy (real name, Mike Knowles – but I now refer to him as the all-powerful Supreme Being of this website) in an old phone book. His real business listing was Web & Database Guy. That’s why I picked him. All the other listings had fancy names featuring a pretentious Z. But I could tell that Web & Database Guy was a football fan.
So I reiterate: The reason why this website looks so nice, works so well, and has continued to evolve, is because of the genius and kindness of Web & Database Guy. He’s volunteered to help me so please help him by actually hiring him, and pass the word to everyone that Web & Database Guy is the world’s expert. Contact Mike Knowles at mgknowles@no-static.net
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This column is sponsored by the Pope’s new book, “Great Spinach Recipes of the 14th Century.”
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