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NFL PICKS: WEEK 4
WhatZgonnahappen
(Home of Shockey Truth & Bill Clinton)
“We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blond who; Comes on at five; She can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam; in her eye; It’s interesting when people die; Give us dirty laundry”
- Don Henley
Behind closed doors…
COACH BILL CLINTON: I did NOT have sex with that terrorist.
JEREMY SHOCKEY: I didn’t say that you did.
CBC: Oh, sorry. Standard denial. Never mind about that now. I’m angry Jeremy! You’ve got that little smirk on your face and like all neo-Miami grads you think you’re so clever.
JS: I’m competitive, unlike the rest of the NFL. Cause celebre!
CBC: Oh sure, you did your little tight end hit job on me just like Winslow last week on Romeo in Cleveland. But you’re wrong.
JS: I merely said that you had a chance to kill the bad team by throwing to me always but instead you had me in blocking on nearly every play. We were out coached. Write it down.
CBC: Did you ask Coughlin to write it down? Did you ask W? Does he even know the alphabet? Did you ask John Madden? Hugo Chavez? You didn’t ask that, did you? Tell the truth, Jeremy.
JS: I don’t have to. People will believe me because I say I am fair and balanced. It’s my slogan.
CBC: Yeah, that is a problem.
JS: All right, look, if you want me to apologize, I will, but I’m doing it my way.
CBC: You mean like Rumsfeld?
JS: Exactly.
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY **
If you wandered in here by mistake looking for some betting advice, stick around because I bet you don’t want my advice. So here it is:
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY **
CARDINALS AT FALCONS – The Cardinals had a perfect plan to beat the Falcons, but Kurt Warner lost it. In the middle of the week, Matt Leinart found the plan but coach Dennis Green gave it back to Warner, who promptly gave it to the Falcons. Falcons 24, Cardinals 14
CHARGERS AT RAVENS – During his pre-game dance, Ray Lewis slips on a banana peel thrown by a monkey from the San Diego Zoo and the next thing he knows he’s face to face with Steve Irwin, listening to Irwin complain about animals. Why is a San Diego monkey in Baltimore? Strategy. And in a copycat league, it’s frightening to think where this strategy could lead. Chargers 26, Ravens 19
VIKINGS AT BILLS – My two early season Cinderella teams are playing each other so I am torn. If the Bills lose this one at home, it’s like losing the glass slipper. But I say they escape just before Ryan Longwell gets a chance to turn them into a pumpkin. Bills 28, Vikings 26
BYE AT BRONCOS – Mike Shanahan moonlights as an Elvis impersonator.
SAINTS AT PANTHERS – Imagine how good the Saints are going to be when they use Reggie Bush as more than a decoy. Saints 20, Panthers 10
DOLPHINS AT TEXANS – I suddenly decided to root against Nick Saban after watching another of his news conferences. Wouldn’t you? In this game, Mario Williams records three sacks. I predicted that because this is a humor column. Texans 23, Dolphins 17
49ERS AT CHIEFS – Damon Huard has a good game. Some jokes are funny even if I believe them. Chiefs 25, 49ers 10
BYE AT GIANTS – Each player is assigned to write 100 times on the blackboard: “A football game is 60 minutes long.” because they won’t ever be out-coached again.
COLTS AT JETS – The Jets are going to be pesky all year, and the Colts aren’t going to threaten an undefeated season this year. In other words, the Colts may be a better team than last year, but they won’t be as good. Jets 23, Colts 20
COWBOYS AT TITANS – It’s Terrell Owens Awareness Day. Please help! Tell people he exists. Cowboys 27, Titans 12
LIONS AT RAMS – Mike Martz tells John Kitna to throw to Tory Holt. Later, he blames it on an adverse reaction to St. Louis. Lions 29, Rams 24
BYE AT STEELERS – Earl Scheib paints Bill Cowher’s chin.
PATRIOTS AT BENGALS – While Odell Thurman continues his thriving acting career, the Bengals defense will eventually suffer, and it will begin to show facing that Patriots two tight-end set. And although the Patriots never lose two in a row, you should never say “never.” I never do. Bengals 36, Patriots 31
BROWNS AT RAIDERS – Jerome Harrison rushes for 150 yards. Charlie Frye remains spleenful and throws a perfect bomb to Braylon Edwards. Kellen Winslow catches 10 straight third down passes. Willie McGinest has four sacks of quarterback Walter Andrew – it’s his real name. Maurice Carthon wins a genius grant…just checking to see who is still reading. Browns 30, Raiders 17
JAGUARS AT REDSKINS – Before the game, Ladell Betts ties Clinton Portis’ shoelaces together. During the game, the rest of the team plays the same way. Jaguars 22, Redskins 10
BYE AT BUCCANEERS – In an administrative move, Chris Simms’ spleen is placed on waivers. The spleen’s agent files a grievance.
SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Shaun Alexander says he healed his broken foot by praying really hard. I am praying really hard that I win the lottery. If I do that, I don’t have to buy a ticket too, do I? Bears 19, Seahawks 17
PACKERS AT EAGLES – Tis the year of split-personality Favre. This week - bad Brett. Eagles 32, Packers 10
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CBC: By the way, I don’t trust your offensive coordinator. I think she makes up stories.
JS: Oh, you mean Condi. Yes, she scripts everything.
CBC: I can tell. She reminds me of my wife. Sheesh. Hey, speaking of women, do you know Paris Hilton? I heard all football players know her.
JS: Of course I know her. She’s Section 3, Part B, Clause VII of the union contract. That’s why we love Gene Upshaw.
CBC: Momma was right telling me I should have gone to Miami, not Oxford. I come from a place called Hope.
JS: Dream on.
** NEW Free CheeZeburgerZ EVERY DAY **
This column is sponsored by Saddam Hussein’s lawyers.
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