Don’t feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to forget it any way I can
– Neil Young
These week 6 NFL predictions are in honor of Rush Limbaugh’s bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. This predictions column supports Limbaugh’s bid and hopes Michael Moore will quickly buy the Detroit Lions.
Rush has been trying to weasel his way onto the NFL stage for years now because he knows what we all know – that the NFL is America’s greatest and most popular business. There are those who claim that Rush has no right to own a franchise because things he has said are construed by some to be very offensive. Although I disagree with Rush about almost everything, I’d ask the language police to chill out.
There is this thing in America called the First Amendment, which states specifically, in the words of Thomas Jefferson, “Rush Limbaugh has the right to be a knucklehead and own an NFL franchise.”
In fact, I think more teams in the NFL should be owned by celebrities – okay, all NFL teams should be owned by celebrities. If Jerry Jones has one more plastic surgery, we’ll call him Joan Rivers and let him stay.
Otherwise, the NFL should mandate that a celebrity owns each of its 32 franchises within the next five years. The more controversial the better. Let’s put the owners meeting on TV and have Simon Cowell judge it. Then, once a year, two owners will get voted out of the club and replaced by the newest and hottest controversial celebrity. So if the rule existed this year, Glen Beck would be given the Steelers and Lil Wayne would own the Cardinals.
So please feel free to nominate your own celebrity owners.
There’s 32 teams and if Al Sharpton owns the New England Patriots and Liz Cheney owns the Oakland Raiders like I’m hoping, that’s two less teams looking for an owner. Throw in Barney Frank running the New York Giants and Sarah Palin in charge of the New York Jets and you can see how this column could really flourish. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
CHIEFS AT REDSKINS – Living in Washington D.C., Jim Zorn watches the unemployment numbers closely. Chiefs 21, Redskins 14
BROWNS AT STEELERS – For the sixth straight week Eric Mangini, citing strategic advantage, refuses to name his starting quarterback and this week it works. When Derek Anderson throws complete passes, the Steelers are baffled. That’s right, Mangini finally explained to his receivers that their job description includes catching the ball, not just paying for water. Browns 24, Steelers 17
RAMS AT JAGUARS – If Rush Limbaugh owned the Rams in 1999, he would have made the Greatest Show on Turf play conservative. Tens years later, this team is just like the Republican Party he espouses – losing big. Ouch, where’s the painkillers? Jaguars 27, Rams 13
BYE AT COWBOYS – Wade Philips shows the players the inspirational film Caddyshack on the giant scoreboard.
LIONS AT PACKERS – A big offense plus the Detroit defense means someone should call Homeland Security before another bomb goes off. Packers 42, Lions 21
GIANTS AT SAINTS – If it’s the playoffs, the Giants win. Saints 24, Giants 21
RAVENS AT VIKINGS – You may think it’s coming later in the year, but I say this is the week Brett Favre lets loose some smelly brain farts. After the game, Ray Lewis goes ice fishing before the water freezes. Ravens 28, Vikings 10
BYE AT COLTS – Peyton Manning contacts the spaceship he is from and thanks them for such clear radio transmissions this year.
TEXANS AT BENGALS – Too many good vibes around Cincinnati. But they are still the Bengals, so I’m not buying. Texans 26, Bengals 20
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Kellen Winslow Jr. sure is a winner, huh? Panthers 27, Buccaneers 13
EAGLES AT RAIDERS – Tom Cable is going to be arrested but Al Davis is free to trade? Eagles 100, Raiders 3
BYE AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins, with actual celebrity ownership, have reason to celebrate because they have an actual quarterback.
CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Two bird teams, two former Super Bowl quarterbacks, and neither team is taking flight back to the big game. Seahawks 27, Cardinals 24
BILLS AT JETS – The Bills couldn’t beat the Browns last week, so how are they supposed to beat the Browns who were traded? Jets 44, Bill 10
TITANS AT PATRIOTS – The Titans don’t deserve this, but the Patriots don’t care. Patriots 30, Titans 10
BYE AT 49ERS – Dre’ Bly, in another life, is the guy who quits his job because he just bought a lottery ticket.
BEARS AT FALCONS – Some people are going to walk away from this thinking that Jay Cutler is the better quarterback but I am calling it a fluke. Bears 38, Falcons 23
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Watch the bubble pop. Watch Cinderella’s carriage turn into a pumpkin. Watch Monday night football – same thing. Chargers 41, Broncos 17
For that one guy in the public library who stumbled upon this column and reads it because it beats the plot of the dictionary, first thanks for reading. Second, I travel on a book project next week so my column will show up on Saturday, if at all. As if you care…
This column is sponsored by every former Cleveland Indian in the MLB playoffs.