What's Gonna Happen

A political humor column masquerading as NFL Picks

The Blagojevich Auction of WEEK 15 NFL Picks, 2008

December 13, 2008 By: admin Category: Uncategorized

“Roxanne, you don’t have to put on that red light”


Governor Rod Blagojevich: Hey Fan Number 5, do you have a favorite NFL team? Want me to pick them to win?

Auctioneer Rod Blagojevich: I’ll picktheBears ifyouwantmetopicktheBears so do I hear $50,000? No? Okay, I’ll picktheSaints ifyouwantmetopicktheSaints so do I hear $50,000? No? Well then bleep you!

Governor Blagojevich: Look people. Let me explain something here. This is an auction, and this is democracy in Illinois. You don’t have a choice.

Governor: You bid lots of money and give it to me and then whoever gives me the most money gets to see me pick your team to win. Did you hear me, Fan Number 5? Think of this as a United States Senate seat for football fans because my opinion is the only one that counts.

Governor: Please stand over here while I shake you down. No, it’s not as much fun as it sounds but in the end I profit. A governor has to get what he can get when the getting is good and this is a damn good getting season. So as I was saying…

Auctioneer Blagojevich: Iwanna moveto MondayNightFootball featuring theClevelandBrownsversusthePhiladelphiaEagles AND Iwannagetabid ofbigbucks. Big, big bucks!

Auctioneer: DoIhearabid forthe Browns towinthegame? Thisishighpriority sopleasesomeone-anyone paymetopicktheBrownstowin.

Governor: Listen. You have to understand the power I have. I am writing this column because the previous writer couldn’t actually get the Browns to win, so I had him fired. But if you can get me enough money, I can make them win. I’ll buy the team, yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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A Pardoned Turkey’s Week 13 NFL Picks

November 30, 2008 By: admin Category: Uncategorized

“So never mind the darkness; We still can find a way
Cause nothin’ lasts forever; Even cold November rain”

– Guns N Roses

I was on death row when I started predicting NFL games as a way to pass the time and somehow my predictions came to the attention of George W. Bush, a big sports fan. Yes, I am a turkey, and I am guilty.

One day last week I was sitting in my cage playing the harmonica and singing, “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen,” when my cell phone rang. It was President Bush.

He said he loves my predictions because they are usually wrong. He said I am a kindred spirit. He said he is a lame duck, but I didn’t understand. I am a turkey. I don’t often associate with ducks.

We chatted for a moment. His favorite team is the Detroit Lions. I said hate the Lions, and I hate the Cowboys. He said he is a cowboy. We laughed and laughed.

I told him I hate John Madden. He assured me everyone does. Then I told him that I also like John Madden because he reminds me of my cool, crazy uncle who loves bourbon. The President told me everyone feels this way as well.

I am a wild turkey who believes George W. Bush is a wise man. I admit that I am a beneficiary of his wisdom, or maybe I am just a lucky bird. You see, he invited me to the White House and I was in the room when his Presidential Counsel asked whether he was going to pardon Scooter Libby. Bush said these exact words, “Pardon the turkey.”

So I am here to bring you the most anticipated and very best NFL predictions from a turkey. But first I’m hungry so please tell me what’s for dinner? Then I’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen.

Freecheezeburgerz.com Lebron Declares NY Is A Suburb Of Cleveland!

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November 28, 2008 By: admin Category: Uncategorized

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