What's Gonna Happen

A political humor column masquerading as NFL Picks

2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please

September 02, 2017 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band

These 2017 NFL season Picks, certain that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, if there is a Super Bowl, are afraid of a crazy man on Twitter, whatever Twitter is.

I have heard that World War III is likely to start on this Twitter thing, which would probably cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. That would be sad for Browns fans.

If there isn’t a nuclear war, the second escape hatch from some crazy thing I just heard about called, impeachment, is civil war. I am not good with history but I think this plan has something to do with people attached to a statue of Benedict Arnold.

A civil war might also cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. To reiterate, that would be sad for Browns fans. The Cleveland Browns play in a place officially called, The Factory of Sadness. They do not need any more sadness by not playing in the Super Bowl they are going to win just because of a couple of stupid catastrophic wars.

As you can obviously tell, these 2017 NFL season picks are printed on fine stock paper and have been delivered to your doorstep by my friend named… well never mind about that. He’s not from this country.

This brings me back to Twitter, something I have not seen because I have never been on the Internet. By holding this nice stock of paper in your hands right now, you are probably also the type of person who wonders what Twitter is.

It turns out that a crazy person lives there, right on Twitter.

My friend, Pedro told me that there is a crazy, semi-literate man on Twitter who wants to get rid of people like himself. Did I say Pedro? Never mind about that. Pretend I said name like, I don’t know, how about Donald?

Tom Brady eating grilled unicorn.

Anyway, having heard about this thing called Twitter and this crazy man who uses it during his very emotional 5 a.m. bowel movements, I am even worried about the President of the United States favorite quarterback, Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, on a diet of acorns, seaweed and grilled unicorn, is playing at 40 and has shown zero signs of the aging that has affected every other quarterback in NFL history before they hit his age.

He is the President’s favorite quarterback. So my hope is that the President of the United States can stop the crazy, semi-literate buffoon on Twitter from setting off a nuclear war, which would cancel the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win. I want Cleveland Browns fans to be happy, or at least alive this Super Bowl.

Maybe the President can get the nutjob I heard about off of Twitter. Or maybe he can at least get the sad, failing, fake news, lying’, low-energy, crooked, dopey overrated guy to tweet, “Browns will win Super Bowl. No war, nuclear or civil. I am going to read a book. That’s whatzonnahappen.” Continue reading “2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please” »

Super Bowl 51 Pick From The Ministry Of Propaganda

January 26, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

My Super Bowl 51 prediction wizard has the highest IQ of all prediction wizards ever and a crystal ball from Tiffany’s that he received in a tremendous trade deal with a foreign fortune teller.

When I asked the wizard his trade strategy, he said, ”Torture absolutely works.”

sorcererThis is an excellent Super Bowl pick. In this Super Bowl, the Atlanta Falcons are playing the New England Patriots in Houston, Texas. You can think of these as facts.

But alternative facts say that the Cleveland Browns are playing against a team of mean liberal super heroes like Batman and Superman and the Incredible Hulk in an all-gold stadium in the backyard of the White House.

This Super Bowl 51 pick is correct. If things do not happen on your television on February 5 exactly as written here, do not believe your lying eyes. What is written here is truth. What you watched are just facts. These are alternative facts. Much more important, wouldn’t you say?

Remember what the wizard said.

You don’t have to believe me. Many people are saying these things, believe me.

For instance, I know a guy who knows a clairvoyant who is certain that several sorcerers committed sorcerer fraud because they are not actually sorcerers, but just bio-energy therapists with ESP. Okay, one was a warlock, said guy who knows the clairvoyant. Actually, the clairvoyant said that to the guy I know, who told me.

The point is, there is widespread sorcerer fraud. So maybe you shouldn’t trust Las Vegas on this Super Bowl.

I know that many Cleveland Browns fans are suffering from a variety of illnesses from depression to depression to depression, but I had to get rid of all health care in order to make America great again. The replacement plan for Obamacare is called, Suck-It-Up-Buttercup-Care. The main feature is this picture of a puppy.

You still don’t have a clue, do you? About what? Okay, good. Just what I hoped.

Look, there’s a kitten. I’m kidding. I wouldn’t take advantage of the fact that you can’t pay attention. Want to see a puppy?puppy

I know that many Cleveland Browns fans are suffering from a variety of illnesses from depression to depression to depression, but I had to get rid of all health care in order to make America great again. The replacement plan for Obamacare is called, Suck-It-Up-Buttercup-Care. The main feature is this picture of a puppy.

There will be a number of entrepreneurs opening vitamin stores. And alcohol sales will go up, as will sales of snake oil. So don’t be depressed. This is how to create jobs, and lessen the load on America.

But speaking of kittens, I expect this to be a great Super Bowl, until it starts. At that point, you will wish the Cleveland Browns were playing against the New England Patriots. They’d keep the score closer than the loser Falcons. Serious losers. Read on, for more tremendous words about whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “Super Bowl 51 Pick From The Ministry Of Propaganda” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By A Bleak & Glorious Destiny

January 21, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna die
– Country Joe & The Fish

These righteous NFL Conference Championship Picks, hiding from American carnage, would like to point out that for far too long the establishment of good NFL football teams has protected only itself, not the Cleveland Browns.

Trump Fist 1Today’s ceremony has very special meaning. While we are here to celebrate the peaceful transfer of power through the violence and pageantry of two conference championship football games, the real transfer of power begins today, right now, back to the Cleveland Browns, who were great in the 1950s. Because of you, we are going to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

While others teams flourished by playing good football, Browns jerseys of quarterbacks who arrived with great hope and failed in many unique balls of flame, are scattered like tombstones in closets from Parma to Lyndhurst, the salary cap is flush with cash but the the roster is deprived of talent, and drugs have stolen a quarterback and wide receiver of their unrealized potential.

This Cleveland Browns carnage stops right here and right now.brownself.jpg

While the Green Bay Packers are playing the Atlanta Falcons, it’s important to remember we all love green money. I love green money. I am a green money lover.

I also love Tom Brady and Belichick, who told me to work harder than anyone who doesn’t know how to cheat. Plus, we all have the same goal, to eradicate the Pittsburgh Steelers from the face of the winning column.

So to every single NFL fan out there, whether you root for the Cleveland Browns, or if you are a fan of the Browns or even if the Browns are your favorite NFL team, you will never be ignored again. We are all one saluting the same glorious NFL team, and no other. That’s my idea of freedom.

Your voice, your hopes and your dreams have made this moment possible. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Together, we will make the Cleveland Browns great again. From this day forward, it’s going to only be the Cleveland Browns first.Trump Fist

We will bring back our wins. We will bring back our bragging. We will bring back our obnoxiousness. Every decision on trade, draft and free agents will be made to benefit the number of wins for the Cleveland Browns. We will follow two simple rules: Win games, and Don’t lose games.

As a bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the Cleveland Browns. When you discover loyalty to the Cleveland Browns, you will discover empathy for the less fortunate. But when the Browns start winning, you will never have to feel empathy again. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By A Bleak & Glorious Destiny” »

2017 NFL Divisional Round NFL Teaching The Controversy

January 13, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

And they’re coming to take me away Ha Ha
They’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
– Napoleon XIV

These Divisional Round NFL Picks were just called fake news by President-Elect Donald Trump. We are not fake news. We teach the controversy.

brady-trumpFor instance, there are many reports out that the Cleveland Browns finished this past season with a 1-15 record. It could have been 1-15. It could have been anything. No really one knows. I say they finished 16-0. So clearly there is a dispute on the facts. A controversy, if you will.

There are a lot of really smart people looking into this but I can tell you one thing for certain: these are fantastic NFL picks.

I have spent so much time studying Tom Brady versus the Houston Texans defense that I had to turn down the honor of being the 90 millionth person asked to perform at the Trump inauguration. He wanted me to perform my original song, “I Want Everything Now,” but I told him he he had to wait until later. When he asked when, I said after he is impeached.

Trying to figure out whether Richard Sherman can contain Julio Jones has consumed me to the point that I have not seen the Wikileaks report on Trump and his taxes. That came out, right?Trump fake news

And while I have been chilling champagne in the anticipation of the Chiefs beating the Steelers, who I hate more than anyone who may have hacked the election and installed a maniac as President, I think I missed when FBI director James Comey said Debbie Wasserman Schultz was a Russian agent.

Finally, I cannot wait for when rookie Dak Prescott and Aaron Rodgers do battle because it should be more entertaining than nuclear war.

Yes, we are worried about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2017 NFL Divisional Round NFL Teaching The Controversy” »

WildCard Weekend NFL Picks By Julian Assange

January 05, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

Haven’t you heard it’s a battle of words
The poster bearer cried
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There’s room for you inside
– Pink Floyd

These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are dumb as a bag of rocks. We are not part of the intelligence community. We spent the season picking the Cleveland Browns to win games.

But this weekend our advice comes from from Julian Assange, who told us he did not get these picks from a shirtless Russian named Pladimir Vutin.

assange_thumb.jpgWe are so confused. We used to rely on our intelligence community.

But our intelligence community told us that Julian Assange actually did get these wildcard weekend NFL picks from the Russians. This, of course, is the same intelligence community that told us the Cleveland Browns would win every week this year. They were right once in 16 tries.2012nfl-picks-pinwheel.jpg

What we know is that Julian Assange said he got these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks from a 400-pound kid in his mother’s basement. We can’t verify this. We didn’t weigh the kid.

We’re so dumb, we actually don’t trust anyone’s story on these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Once, in fact, when Julian Assange was picking against the Browns, some have quoted us as saying it would be a good idea to execute him.

We may have overstated that a bit. Now we think he is a hero. Next week, just as in these games, who knows what we’ll think or whatzgonnahappen: Continue reading “WildCard Weekend NFL Picks By Julian Assange” »

Week 17 NFL Picks Saying Goodbye To 2016

December 28, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

News guy wept and told us
Earth was really dying
– David Bowie

These Week 17 NFL Picks would like to take one final time to say goodbye to David Bowie, the United States of America, and the Cleveland Browns year-long losing streak.

All will be missed in their own way.

david-bowieThe Browns began the year by pinning their hopes on fragile-as-glass Robert Griffin III, who was last good during the first Obama administration. And now, after the most emotional win an 0-14 team could ever have, the Browns are pinning their hopes on the football season ending.

It’s been that kind of year. Heroes died, an unstable authoritarian was elected president by folks educated from Texas schoolbooks, and one win out of 15 games is what my favorite NFL team called “their Super Bowl.” It seemed like reality cracked.

The NFL, which throws the American flag and the military and God and how much they care about women in our face during every game, sure showed their moral compass this year. goodbye-2016

The all-knowing league suspended Tom Brady for four games for doing something that they can’t prove, suspended Josh Gordon indefinitely for smoking pot, which is legal in several states in America, and allowed Tyreek Hill, who beat up his pregnant girlfriend, to run around scoring touchdowns for the Kanas City Chiefs.

Old acquaintances, like that year-long losing streak and common decency, must be forgotten. As the season and the year mercifully come to an end, we soon realize that as bad as 2016 was, there’s another year coming.

In 2017, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks Saying Goodbye To 2016” »

Week 16 NFL Picks By ‘Give A Browns Fan For Christmas’

December 21, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Everybody having a good time except you
You were talking about the end of the world
– U2

These Week 16 NFL picks would like to suggest that you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift to any loved one having a tough day.

You could send a Cleveland Browns fan over their house to sit in the corner and make your loved one feel better about their own predicament.

owen-16This is a great gift for fans of all other NFL teams, as well as anyone who is still freaking out about the election.

The end of the world is coming? Cheer up, you could be a Browns fan.

Sending a Cleveland Browns fan over someone’s house is probably the nicest thing you can do for anyone’s self esteem.

It really is the perfect gift. All you have to do is feed the Browns fan some pizza and a lot of beer, and occasionally listen to some pathetic story about Bernie Kosar and when the Browns were good enough to not get to the Super Bowl.

browns-ornamentIt’s a weird story and no one outside of Cleveland seems to understand, but if you bear with with this one glitch in the design of the perfect present, you’ll be glad you did.

It is literally impossible to have a bad day when you have a Cleveland Browns fan sitting in the corner, mumbling to himself.

These are scary times in America. Many NFL teams are not very good. Some are very bad. But if you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift, your loved ones, no matter how tough their day or how bad their team, is sure to smile at their circumstance.

In fact, get one for yourself, and you’ll smile at whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks By ‘Give A Browns Fan For Christmas’” »

Week 15 NFL Picks By The Russians

December 20, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I’m back in the USSR
You don’t how luck you are, boys
– The Beatles

These Week 15 NFL Picks, using information from the Russians, waited until after all the games were played to make a prediction. I only got one wrong.

I would also like to thank the the Russians for hacking the Week 14 NFL Picks last week. Based on information from the Russians, that fool picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

Meanwhile, the Russians have used Julian Assange to steal secrets from the CIA, who then found out that the Russians did all this just because they have it in for the Cleveland Browns.

russian-hackerSo follow along… Vladimir Putin used to run the KGB. The last time Johnny Manziel was seen as a member of the Browns, he was in Las Vegas wearing a blond wig and fake mustache and telling everyone his name was “Billy.” This is KGB-like behavior.

Think about it. The last time the Cleveland Browns won, Johnny Manziel was their quarterback.Money-Manziel.jpg

It all adds up to the Russians.

And I would care except that President-Elect Trump has picked me to be Secretary Of Forecasting.

I have been picking the Cleveland Brown to win every week since 1999. They have lost almost every week since 1999. The Browns have lost every game this season. Clearly, I am the best candidate.

Who could be better to forecast what is going to happen than someone who has been consistently wrong. I know how losers think. So now that I am part of team Trump, I’ll pick winners. You see this, right?  Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks By The Russians” »

Week 14 NFL Picks From Under A Tin Foil Hat

December 10, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd

These week 14 NFL picks are wearing the most outlandish tin foil hat I can find outside of a red one that says, “Make America Great Again.” Yes, it’s a Cleveland Browns hat.

That means that I believe the Browns are in the NFL.

tin-foil-hatSo don’t tell me that my tin foil hat isn’t the best. I know where you eat pizza.

And now I’ve read the CIA report that the Pittsburgh Steelers have been interfering in the operations of Cleveland Browns. That must be why the Cleveland Browns have not won a game in a year. Outside meddling.

But just because this hat is made of tin foil doesn’t mean that I think Robert Griffin III is a franchise quarterback. the-end-of-Browns-season-is-near.jpg

I am a realist.

For instance, under this in foil hat I’d like to believe the that the Electoral college is not going to elect Donald Trump as the last President of the United States of America. But I am a realist.

That’s why I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl. And I believe in Santa Claus.

But I don’t believe crazy crazy stuff like thinking that Donald Trump cares more about working people than Saturday Night Live.

I am a tin foil hat optimist. You want fake news? The Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. Don’t research it. Just share.

If you do, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks From Under A Tin Foil Hat” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Fake News

December 03, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd

These Week 13 NFL Picks have been curated by the KGB and by Alex Jones of Infowars for their veracity. In other words, this bullshit is completely false.

But since you won’t bother to check, this bullshit is completely believable to a smart good-looking person like yourself.

See, we know you don’t care about facts. So neither do we. We are picking the Cleveland Browns to win this week, and they don’t even play. At least they will not lose. So in reality, that’s a win.

And you can’t lose with fake news as long as you don’t ask any questions. browns-cat

Here is a picture of a cat. Now please share this crap.

Did you know the Pittsburgh Steelers are named so because they steal victories unfairly? It’s true. Many people are saying so.

The New Orleans Saints are not actually saints. I know, I know. Believe me folks. And yet the New England Patriots are patriots. I love Tom Brady and he loves me. When Mitt Romney was governor, Tom and I were married. Then we each met models. I’m just telling you what I heard.

The NFL draft is unfairly biased towards those who can tell the difference between star quarterback and a drunk guy floating on an inflatable swan. Everyone knows that, just as everyone knows that the scoring system in Cleveland Browns games is biased towards teams that score more points.

fake-newsEverything is unfair and rigged.

If things weren’t rigged, the Cleveland Browns would have won every game this year, but millions of points were scored illegally. No, I don’t have any proof. I am saying so. Now many people are saying so. What other proof do you need?

I know that you are pretty sure I am completely full of shit, but I also know that I have created a shadow of a doubt inside of you. And I will continue do do so for the next four years.

In four years, the Browns might win the Super Bowl. Or the world might end. Anything could happen.

So don’t think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Fake News” »