What's Gonna Happen

A political humor column masquerading as NFL Picks

Week 12 NFL Picks From Bait & Switch University

November 24, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

In the garden I was playing the tart
I kissed your lips and broke your heart
You, you were acting like it was the end of the world
– U2

These Week 12 NFL Picks just settled a $25 million fraud case against me. I have advised betting on the Cleveland Browns to win every week since 1999. What is fraudulent about that advice?

Nothing. It’s fantastic advice. I have won a lot of money off of people who have taken that advice. I am a brilliant businessman.

Still, I settled the case because I have more important things to do. brownself_thumb.jpg

I am now reviewing Broadway musicals. I have reviewed one play so far. I didn’t see Hamilton. I hated it.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University.

Anyway, as your Prognosticator-Elect, I would like to wish everyone who voted for me a Happy Thanksgiving. And for those who didn’t vote for me, chill out. I didn’t mean anything I said.

Here, have some white meat.

It should be obvious by now that everything I ever said was a giant bait & switch, including this week’s game between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns. The Giants are from New York, which has Broadway and the show ‘Hamilton’, which I hear is highly overrated. There should be a fraud case against Hamilton.

trump-diplomaThe people in the show were much ruder to Mike Pence than a defensive line is to a Cleveland Browns quarterback. You want show tunes? Those people will be singing in the rain on the other side of the wall in a couple of months.

The cast of Hamilton… gone! The New York Times… gone! The San Francisco 49ers and Colin Kaepernick… gone!

And oh yeah, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals… gone! Over the wall! That’s my plan to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

So yeah, Trump University totally recommends that you place all your money on the Cleveland Browns winning all their games for the rest of the year.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University. It would be an honor for you to get it, and certainly an honor for me to stick it to you.

Did I say ‘stick it to you?’

I never apologize. That’s whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks From Bait & Switch University” »

Week 11 NFL Picks By A Protester – ‘Not My Picks’

November 16, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don’t you know it’s gonna be
All right, all right, all right
– The Beatles

These Week 11 NFL picks would like to say these are not my NFL picks. Somebody else voted for them.

The things said in these NFL Picks are deeply offensive to me. The Cleveland Browns are going to win? Really? Insult my intelligence some more, why don’t you?

Not My NFL Picks

The worst part of the election is that these are now going to be the official NFL Picks because of the Electoral College. I’ll tell you what. I’d like to see the Electoral College play Ohio State, and see what happens. That’s how the election should have been decided.

So yeah, I am protesting in the exact same way that those Tea Party people protested eight years ago when these NFL Picks said that the Cleveland Browns were going to win.

Wait, what?

Could it be that we have more in common than either of us think?

Nah, that couldn’t be. That would disrupt my entire belief system as well as the income streams of the cable news networks that feed me and those on the other side our belief systems. The Browns can only stink because the other side is at fault. That’s the rules.

But it does seem a coincidence that the Browns stunk 16 years ago and changed plans and I protested, and then they stunk eight years ago and changed plans and you protested, and they stink now and they changed plans again and I am protesting.

So okay, I’ll stop protesting. I am willing to give the crazy man a chance to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

Wait a minute, he just appointed who?

I’m going back into the streets because, frankly, I am terrified of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks By A Protester – ‘Not My Picks’” »

Week 10 NFL Picks By An Angry Midwestern Voter

November 09, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Oh, a storm is threatening
My very life today
If I don’t get some shelter
Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away
– The Rolling Stones

These Week 10 NFL Picks voted for Donald J. Trump because the Cleveland Browns have not won a game all year.

You should have known how desperate we are here in Ohio when we took a baseball guy and put him in charge of our football team. We are willing to try crazy, and at this point we don’t care what anyone thinks.

This was a vote with our middle finger. No, we didn’t think it though. Except for the middle finger part. We’ve been pondering that for decades.

president-trump-in-ohioThe elitists on the east coast and the west coast with their real NFL teams that win actual NFL games look down on us as flyover territory as they look down on the Browns as a walkover team.

This is a depressed area, and no one has paid attention for a couple of generations. We especially don’t care what anyone using the condescending ‘rest belt’ metaphor has to say about this place that once had a great football team to root for, and is now reduced to cheering for the disaster that is the modern Cleveland Browns.

So to get revenge, we paid extra close attention to this election and then decided to ignore many, many facts because, well, our middle finger is about the only thing we have left to say.

The Browns have worked in the system. They tried a defensive coordinator as head coach. They tried an offensive coordinator. They tried a college coach. They even tried a general manager who urged fans to root for Buffalo.

Nothing worked. Same with our economy here. Democrats. Republicans. Once every four years, what you call the rust belt is important for a minute because maybe there’s a Super Bowl team from Green Bay or an election,  and then we are fodder for comics. Well guess who’s laughing now.

Okay, we’re not laughing either. We just realized what actually happened.burn-it-down-browns

Do we believe Donald J. Trump can fix everything? No. But we’ve been devastated by trade agreements here. Have you heard of Johnny Manziel?

Sure, many of the things Donald Trump says are deplorable. And, in fact, a lot of other people who voted for him really are quite deplorable. But not us. All of our friends, who look very much like us, tell us so.

All this talk completely misses the point. Many of our jobs have left. Once, even our NFL team left.

Ignoring us for decades has led us to do something so crazy that it made sense until now, when it’s too late and we actually think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks By An Angry Midwestern Voter” »

Week 9 NFL Picks From The Edge Of The Apocalypse

November 05, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

And you tell me
Over and over and over again my friend
That you don’t believe
We’re on the eve of destruction
– Barry McGuire

These Week 9 NFL Picks would like to congratulate the one-term president that America is about to elect and then most likely impeach. You may as well be the coach of the Cleveland Browns.

The next president has as much chance of legally getting through four years in office as a Cleveland Browns coach has of keeping the job for four years.

apocalypse BrownsOne is certain to be impeached in the first 100 days in office. The other is likely to tear up the Constitution and throw out the whole four-years-in-office thing altogether.

For Browns fans, this election is akin to a choice between current owner Jimmy Haslam, who is a borderline criminal, and former owner Art Modell, who made a deal with the Russia of the NFL, Baltimore, and then encouraged Baltimore to annex the Browns. Which it did. (See: Baltimore Ravens).

This one is easy. I have to go with the borderline criminal over the traitor.

But having just voted for the lesser of two evils, I am worried that the greater of two evils is going to win, the same as has happened in every Cleveland Browns game this year. The Cleveland Browns are 0-8.

Meanwhile, the Cleveland Indians just lost an epic World Series to a team that hasn’t won since Teddy Roosevelt was president. And the Cleveland Cavaliers are World champions. David Bowie is dead. These are signs of the Apocalypse.

So say hello to President Donald J. Trump. Unless Hillary Clinton wins. In either case, I fear America is not going to enjoy whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks From The Edge Of The Apocalypse” »

Week 8 NFL Picks From An October Email Surprise

October 29, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you’d realize
There ain’t no way to hide your lyin’ eyes
– The Eagles

Boo! This Halloween, we’ve gone nuclear. These Week 8 NFL picks are dressed as an October surprise. No, not a Cleveland Browns win. This isn’t fiction.

hillary-fbiI am sending you this top secret confidential email that I expect neither the FBI nor the Russians to read because I am concerned that Wikileaks may have a transcript of my very lucrative speech to the Cleveland Browns when I recommended taking a quarterback with the number 22 pick in the first round of every NFL draft.

At the time of my speech, the Clinton Foundation was doing charitable work for the saddest fan base on Earth. And we do good work. Look what we’ve done for Cubs and Indians fans. But, not all of it is successful although it all is pretty damn lucrative.

Anyway, I’d obviously prefer that some transcripts of my speeches, like when I spoke about why Gus Bradley is a great coach, don’t get out there. I’m all about keeping secrets. I have a public face, a private face, and a game face. That’s how I roll.

So don’t worry, this email will never make the news. I’m very careful. Just ask my IT guy, Vladimir. He’s the bare-chested guy on the horse.

trump-helmetThis Halloween, as the orange-helmeted among you do the easy thing and dress as my orange-haired opponent, I’d like to remind you that election day really is trick or treat.

Only there’s no treat. It’s a giant trick. You might even say it’s like turning a trick.

The other costume I considered before settling on an October surprise was dressing as America on the day after the 2016 presidential election. But the muskets were sold out.

Of course, this is all between you and me, and not the Russians or the FBI.

So please, whatever you do, keep this email as secret as the Browns formula for winning. No one has ever seen that.

And while no one apparently ever will see the Browns plan for winning, it has come to my attention that some of my emails in the past may have been hacked and then sent, wrapped in a red Russian bow, to Donald Trump. That, I believe, is what has happened with the Browns winning formula. It has been stolen by the Russians.

That’s why I fear this election may be rigged, unless it isn’t, which I also fear. One of those is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks From An October Email Surprise” »

Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media

October 21, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Sunday papers don’t ask no questions
Sunday papers don’t get no lies
Sunday papers don’t raise objections
Sunday papers ain’t got no eyes
– Joe Jackson

As a card-carrying member of the lamestream media, these week 7 NFL Picks, know exactly how the media rigs everything using facts.

For instance, according to the lamestream media, the Cleveland Browns lost the first six games of this NFL season. I refuse to accept those results because I know how the conspiracy works.

Media riggingThe Cleveland Browns are winners. The media refuses to accept it. But I know better. Sure, I am in danger of getting kicked out of the lamestream media for saying it, but I am positive that 0-6 doesn’t feel true. Still, I know how it works.

It works like this. Every Wednesday at noon, we in the lamestream media go to Anderson Cooper’s house for bong hits and tiny sandwiches, and then we listen to a guy from from Wells Fargo tell us what to rig. For some reason, Wells Fargo doesn’t like the Cleveland Browns.

Bernie Kosar’ supporters had this figured out back in the 1980s when the Browns were losing AFC championships in back-to-back years to the John Elway’s Denver Broncos.

The idealistic Bernie people like to quote their favorite source of news, Wikileaks, in which emails show, shockingly, that politicians play politics and the Browns are not allowed in the Super Bowl. It should not be that way, say the Bernie people. They are so darn cute.

When we in the lamestream media gather one day a week at Anderson Cooper’s house, after beer pong is over, we spend the rest of the afternoon rigging stuff. It’s pretty much all the media does. Once in a while, we might send a reporter to talk to the mayor about potholes, but usually it’s 24/7 rigging. That’s why these meetings are so important. That and the tiny sandwiches.

All the news everywhere, especially the fact-based stuff by the lamestream media, is rigged. In the media, we always know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media” »

Week 6 NFL Picks From The Locker Room

October 14, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Don’t you want me?
You know I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me
– The Human League

In this locker room, when I brag about my week 6 NFL Picks, I am just trying to impress my new campaign manager, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby and I were talking in the locker room how we are both impressed that the Cleveland Browns brought in Art Briles, who is experienced at covering up sexual assault allegations, to help coordinate the Cleveland Browns offense. This is huge.

donald-trump-bill-cosbyBill Cosby and I both know how to coordinate an offense, believe me.

Don’t believe the media who lie, lie, lie – using my exact words. The media will attack you, slander you, and seek to destroy you with facts in the same way that they slander the 0-5 Cleveland Browns for being a losing team.

These people are vicious liars and they work for Hillary Clinton, or the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the devil – probably all three. I would like to put anyone who thinks that the Cleveland Browns are a bad football team in jail. The way I read the Constitution, it says I am allowed to do just that.

Bill Cosby told me that my assaulting your intelligence by predicting the Browns would beat the New England Patriots last week would work just fine if I then denied that I made such a prediction.

Picking the Browns to beat the Patriots last week… that was just locker room talk.

This week when Tom Brady was asked about me, he showed class by walking out of his press conference. I don’t have that in me. Not class or restraint.

If you ask me about anything, I will attack you and call you names. That’s my thing. It’s what I do.

For instance, I will sue you if you say that I, who always pick the Cleveland Browns to win, picked the Cleveland Browns to win. I deny it, and anyone spreading such slander should expect to hear from my lawyers. Believe me, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks From The Locker Room” »

Week 5 NFL Picks Explaining Epic Losses Reported By The NY Times

October 04, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what’s to blame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train

– Ozzy Osbourne

The recent New York Times report disclosing that these week 5 NFL picks have chosen the Cleveland Browns, who always lose, to win every week since 1999 proves that I am a brilliant prognosticator.

In fact, many people are saying that I am brilliant for picking the Cleveland Browns, a team that always loses, to always win. It’s got to be obvious to anyone who is not a fat pig with blood coming out of her whatever. I am a brilliant businessman and prognosticator, and the women love me.ny-times-trump

My brain is huge, like my hands, bigger than anyone else’s tiny pathetic loser brain who thinks they see through my bullshit. No one sees through my bullshit. My bullshit is bulletproof. Did I mention I am brilliant?

As my angry butler, Rudy Giuliani, said, picking a team that always loses to always win proves that I am a genius.

Browns.jpgWhile the Browns have lost almost every game since 1999, I have merely been using the laws of our country to my advantage. Sure, the fans, players, and nearby businesses, except for bars frequented by Johnny Manziel, have suffered enormous physical, emotional and financial stress because of my actions and that of the Cleveland Browns.

Check it out. I am so brilliant. My huge brain convinced fans that the Browns had a chance to win because the plumbers, drunks and drug addicts on the team wore NFL-sanctioned uniforms. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?

The Browns, of course, never had a chance to win. So I went to Atlantic City before I bankrupted it, and I bet on the Browns to lose every game from 1999 until now. Let’s face it. I was betting on the team to lose because I like to talk about winning, but I usually win when everyone else loses.

I am brilliant. And I have a huge, very charitable heart. Huge, like my brain and my hands. My genius of picking the Browns to win every week when they lose uniquely qualifies me to know that the 0-4 Cleveland Browns are going to beat the 3-1 New England Patriots. Believe me.browns-biggest-loser

Sure, the Patriots never lose twice in a row, and they just lost. And yes, the greatest quarterback of all time is coming back to play for Patriots while the Browns are playing a third string quarterback with less name recognition than Lindsey Graham. Cody Kessler is not, ahem, Otto Graham.

If this was celebrity apprentice, Tom Brady would be the celebrity and Cody Kessler would be the apprentice.

Tom Brady is my best friend. We do everything together. Like Tom Brady, my junk is tan. I want you to think about that when you go in to vote.

As you ponder that, let me assure you that the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the New England Patriots. I am the only one in the world who knows how they are going to do it.

I’ll tell you this. On defense, they they are going to build a wall. It’s going to be a great wall, and the Patriots are going to pay for it. And on offense, the Browns are going to bomb the shit out of them. Trust me, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks Explaining Epic Losses Reported By The NY Times” »

Week 4 NFL Picks Through Trump-Colored Glasses

September 27, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what’s to blame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train
– Ozzy Osbourne

These week 4 NFL picks went to a tremendous watch party at the Trump Dive Bar on Liar Street in the sketchy fun part of downtown Bullshitville, where I was served a huge Cleveland Browns word salad and Analytics brand baloney.

Right off I agreed with Mr. Trump that the Cleveland Browns have been getting ripped off in trade deals. “The Carson Wentz trade deal was a disaster,” he said. “Wins went over the border into Pennsylvania because our leaders are idiots. It was a huge disaster.”

I was as undecided going into the debate. But Mr. Trump had me with each loud sniffle. His sniffle reminded me of parties I attended in the 1980s with guys just like him. Okay, I didn’t know anyone like him. But in the 1980s, everyone knew someone like him, am I right?

trump-debates-glueAll I remember about that decade is that Browns quarterback was Bernie Kosar, and he was actually good. It all made me think that maybe I picked the wrong decade to quit sniffing what Mr. Trump is maybe still sniffing. But maybe not. He just looked sniffly. Maybe.

I was thinking a lot about sniffing when Lester Holt tried to say that Mr. Trump was in favor of drafting Kellen Winslow Jr. over Ohio native Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben was drafted by the Browns bitter rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and has become a superstar. Mr. Trump said told biased Lester Holt that he actually supported selecting Big Ben.

Then Crooked Hillary Clinton held up a photo that she claimed got from “another of Donald’s victims.” The photo was of Mr. Trump giving a motorcycle to Kellen Winslow Jr. that Trump signed, “I hope you drafted by the Cleveland Browns instead of Ben Roethlisberger, who is a loser.”

Fact checkers have pointed out that Winslow ruined his knee early in his career in a motorcycle accident.

Mr. Trump called facts, and fact checkers part of a media conspiracy.

I believed Mr. Trump. He spoke with passion

You know who else speaks with passion? Hue Jackson, coach of the Cleveland Browns. Trust me, said Jackson. I do. I trust Jimmy Haslam too. I am a good judge of character.

Mr. Haslam and Mr. Trump are at least as ethical as each other, maybe even less so. That’s a lot of ethicalness, am I right?

I wasn’t listening when Crooked Hillary pointed out that Cody Kessler played an entire game for the Cleveland Browns without getting hurt, proving that analytics work. “I received an email explaining all of this to me,” she said. “You can read about it on the Wikileaks website.”

I was about to go to this website when Trump interrupted, “Cody Kessler is a loser. He lost.” Again, with the straight talk. I listened further.

Mr. Trump’s plan to get the Cleveland Browns to become a winning team is to win more games. How come no one else has ever thought of this? I like how specific this guy is about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks Through Trump-Colored Glasses” »

Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed

September 21, 2016 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Lie to me
And tell me everything is all right
– Johnny Lang

These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.

I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.

With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It’s called marketing. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?trump-usfl

I don’t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.

While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don’t care about facts as long as I say “terrific” or “amazing” or “winner,” talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.

Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that’s right. That’s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it’s true. No, the Browns aren’t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.

trump-helmetHillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.

My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.

Yes, I’ve been the one saying it.

The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.

When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we’re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed” »