Season Preview

“He was taken to task by some critics who asked, do you write the words or lyrics first?”
- The Michael Stanley Band

I was running with scissors and playing in traffic one afternoon and then it all went blank until I vaguely heard a doctor say, “Sure, he’s even dumber, but now he can predict football games. We installed a chip.”

“But doctor,” said the nurse. “He doesn’t know anything about football.”

“Exactly,” said the doctor. “It’s foolproof.”

“You mean proof he’s a fool?”

“Whatever.”

Would you believe I came here from the circus? Okay, try this: So I was in the unemployment line hoping to land my dream job as an elephant cage cleaner but when I reached the front of the line the only job available was football prognosticator. Although I’d never heard of this thing, football, I entered the training program and now I can say the word, “Touchdown” without sounding French.

The truth is I am a football scientist – an alchemist really. The equation that I use to predict football games has not been invented yet so it also hasn’t been discovered or deciphered, and therefore I defy anyone to prove it doesn’t work or, better yet, prove it does.

As I conjure for you, I have an action picture of Paul Tagliabue smirking on my wall and twice a day I visit my John Madden shrine for some monastic burping. The only thing to distract me from constant thoughts of football are my collection of life-sized blow-up Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders dolls, who I usually party with on Saturday night.

Anyway, it turns out that the chip installed in my brain was a chocolate chip and the truth is that no one knows what’s going to happen in a football game. Really.

That’s why they play the games.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I’m only to tell you once. I am not objective. I have a favorite football team and I always predict they will win. The name of my favorite team sounds a lot like Cleveland Browns and last year, I predicted they would win the Super Bowl. Just like the year before, and the year before that…

So yes, of course I encourage you to bet your life savings on my foolproof methods. But first, could you buy me some new scissors? Just drive over here. I’ll be in the street.

AFC

EAST
PATRIOTS – Holy Maroney, Tom Brady has new weapons. And Bill Belichick still dresses like a slob proving there is room for more tricks up his sleeves. 13-3
DOLPHINS – Yes, Daunte, there are boats in Miami but Nick Saban has all the keys. And Ricky’s in Canada. Damn! 10-6
JETS – Chad Pennington’s arm, transplanted directly from Gumby, is not one to hang hopes on. 8-8
BILLS – The season only turns around after Marv Levy takes over as coach. Well, maybe not. Depends. 5-11

NORTH
BROWNS – In 1921 when William Butler Yeats wrote, “Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold,” he was writing a football predictions’ column about the Browns problems in 2006 at center. Yes, this team is good enough to be written about by literary giants. 16-0
BENGALS – Sure, the Bengals’ uniforms have been changed to orange prison jumpsuits, but Carson Palmer remains the son Archie Manning wishes he had. 12-4
STEELERS – The season starts fine until Ben Roethlesberger’s Motorcycle (real name) writes a tell-all book. 9-7
RAVENS – Ray Lewis retires and stars in an action movie in which he is the bad guy and gets killed. Brian Billick pontificates. 4-12

SOUTH
COLTS – The greatest postseason kicker in the history of football tries to rub some magic dust on the greatest regular season quarterback of the last few years. 14-2
TITANS – Vince Young is going to be Rose Bowl spectacular, and it may not take a full growing season. 9-7
JAGUARS – The Jaguars went 12-4 last year, proving how far luck and good coaching go in the NFL. Luck runs out. 8-8
TEXANS – Some Texans’ fans might notice how many offensive plays this year that Reggie Bush doesn’t get the ball. 3-13

WEST
CHARGERS – I still believe in Marty Schottenheimer. And the new quarterback will be fine. 12-4
BRONCOS – Somebody with a legal name plays running back and gains a million yards, then Jake Plummer plays horrible in the playoffs. Yep, same story. 11-5
CHIEFS – Larry Johnson is the best running back in the NFL but the team ends up mediocre – even in the red. 7-9
RAIDERS – Aaron Brooks is the ultimate tease quarterback, so expect some spectacular games (good and bad). 6-9

NFC

EAST
COWBOYS – The real issue this season won’t be Terrell Owens. It will be Shoeless Drew Bledsoe. But if they can protect Bledsoe, he has a phenomenal arm and great weapons. 12-4
GIANTS – As John Hiatt said, “Thank God the Tiki bar is open.” He keeps running and running…10-6
REDSKINS – By about mid-season when Jason Campbell takes over at QB, the Joe Gibbs transformation will be complete. Too late for this year. 7-9
EAGLES – The carnival left town and there’s not enough donuts in the world to make Andy Reid happy. 5-11

NORTH
BEARS – After Rex Grossman is injured while running onto the field, Brian Griese spends the season handing the ball to Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones. 11-5
VIKINGS – Two years ago the identity of the team was the best receiver in football. Now it’s the best guard. 10-6
LIONS – The Lions don’t finish in last only because the Packers do. Matt Millen pats himself on the back. 4-12
PACKERS – Brett Favre looks older than Gerald Ford without the pacemaker. 2-14

SOUTH
PANTHERS – Steve Smith plays football the same way that Alan Iverson plays basketball and it’s fun to watch. 11-5
BUCCANEERS – The quarterback, running back and coach are big time and that should mean bigger success but maybe they just are having (well not Cadillac) a blond moment. 10-6
SAINTS – Drew Brees, Reggie Bush…I think I hear (Joe) horns blaring again coming from Bayou. Who dat? America’s team, dat who! 8-8
FALCONS – I’m not buying the Michael Vick myth. Never did, and don’t imagine I ever will. But he makes good commercials. 5-11

WEST
SEAHAWKS – Yes, Super Bowl losers usually have a bad year. Not this one. That really was a good football team. 11-5
RAMS – Something about the indoor carpet makes this a team that could catch magic. That, and Torry Holt. 9-7
CARDINALS – Better than you think, and wait till Matt Leinert starts to play with those receivers. 8-8
49ERS – Also known as the 48ers because they play football as it was played when there were only 48 states. 4-12

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Now that Pluto has escaped the Gulag that is the Solar System, it’s only a matter of time before Terrell Owens is declared a planet based upon his gravitational pull. A pre-season stationary bike ride has never been bigger news but I’m begging all those who cover the NFL to please point your cameras somewhere else once in a while. Enough.

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This column is sponsored by mercenaries of the Pluto Liberation Army.