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Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For
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Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop

December 14, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
– Eurythmics

These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

Brady passes to elfChristmas elf touchdown

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff

November 28, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe
But at least I’m enjoying the ride!
– The Grateful Dead

These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Fireman Ed jumps a cliffthelma and louise New York JetsOkay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff” »

Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera

November 16, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

These week 11 NFL picks are having an affair with my biographer. I am writing an autobiography.

My autobiography begins when these week 11 NFL picks were found in General David Petraeus’ underwear by the FBI, acting on a tip from an unnamed New York Jet.

tebow and sanchezThis week’s NFL picks are the next act in a bad soap opera script involving Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and the New York Jets. It’s actually a soap opera taking place on a train wreck. Sort of like a bombastic Titanic on land. So much bad romance. So much tragedy, and navel gazing. It’s the NFL written by Woody Allen, and directed by Irwin Allen.

Meanwhile, in other soap opera news related to these week 11 NFL picks, General Petraeus resigned, and Michael Vick has taken a bell-ringing break from the inner sanctums of It’s Never Sunny In The Philadelphia Eagles Locker Room.

Affairs and broken relationships are rampant across the NFL at this time of year, and there are plenty of conspiracy theories, according to my biographer. Norv Turner owns very valuable photographs. Jerry Jones takes advice from martians. Roger Goodell does not have a soul. For some fans, just like for some voters, it’s maddening.petraeus picks the NFL

Like many disgruntled citizens after the election, I understand the desire to secede. After the first half of the NFL season, I believe the Cleveland Browns should secede from the NFL. I do not understand why my predicted record for the Cleveland Browns of 9-0 by this point is only 2-7. My internal polling showed for sure they would win every game.

Someone has cheated. Teams have grown to expect wins just because they score more points than the Cleveland Browns. If that’s the kind of NFL we live in, just forget it. It means we have more takers of wins, than makers of Browns wins. I don’t know if it’s hopeless, but it’s troublesome.

After Petraeus, our best known general since Norman Schwarzkopf, became a spy and started running around like an American James Bond, these week 11 NFL picks became shaken, not stirred. Thus, a loud anonymous voice from the New York Jets locker room brought attention to the fact that these picks exist and some people say that, despite some very loud and public prayers, they are horrible.

It makes you wonder, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera” »

Week 9 NFL Picks of Frankenstorm and the Zombie Apocalypse Election

November 01, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone…..
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times, they are a-changin’
– Bob Dylan

These week 9 NFL picks should be worried about the zombie apocalypse election now that Frankenstorm has passed. But the Cleveland Browns won, so no worries.

According to a tweet from a twit, FEMA officially tweaked Tim Tebow to treat the blown away and loss-flooded New York Jets, while fat partisan gridlock caused by the large miserable jets fansheroic presence of New Jerseyfat Chris Christie saves Jets fans Governor Chris Christie has saved thousands of lives of Jets fans who planned to toss themselves off of the George Washington Bridge. Tremendous! Or terrifying. One of those.

None of this is true, except for the parts that are. I do have worries. I hide them well. Freak storms and big elections scare me. I’ve seen the damage both can do, and so it is more fun to worry about the little things, like whether my favorite football team has finally turned the corner. The Cleveland Browns won last week. No worries.

The ancient Mayans are supposed to worry me. It’s getting to that time of year again. Another end of the world is almost here, or did the ancient Mayans predict something bad about the Cleveland Browns? Either way, the ancient Mayans were wrong, dead wrong. The Browns are way better than the ancient Mayans thought they’d be. Therefore the ancient Mayans were wrong. The ancient Mayans are also dead. That equals dead wrong.

Speaking of dead wrong, the upcoming zombie apocalypse election is being billed by the lamestream media as a mere election. Some call it the most important election of our lifetime. But few have the courage to call it what it is, a zombie apocalypse election that features a contest between the living and the undead.

The choice between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is as clear of a choice as this week’s battle between the Cleveland Browns and the evil Baltimore Ravens. Let’s just say that the stimulus is working.

Everything I just wrote is an attention-deficit disorder lie, wrapped around an attention-starved conundrum. Except for the parts about the scary election, and the Cleveland Browns winning. Those are true.

Next up, Christmasegeddon. And that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks of Frankenstorm and the Zombie Apocalypse Election” »

Week 8 NFL Picks By The Last Undecided Ohio Voter

October 26, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I went back to Ohio, but my family was gone
I stood on the back porch, there was nobody home
I was stunned and amazed
My childhood memories slowly swirled past like the wind through the trees
Way to go, Ohio
– The Pretenders

These week 8 NFL picks are undecided in Ohio. Which candidate can help the Cleveland Browns win the next Super Bowl? I am a one-issue voter.

I watched the debates. All this talk of jobs, the economy, war, and deficits. No one mentioned the Cleveland Browns unbalanced offense and how to fix it. I am a voter and this is the issue I care about. I vote in Ohio. Forget the other constituents in other places and their so-called issues. The candidates need me, and I want answers – about the Browns.

Ohio voter for the BrownsMitt Romney was here smoking and drinking and helping me judge my weekly Monday wet t-shirt contest when, out of the blue, he told me that he doesn’t care about 47 percent of the people. I asked if he cared about the Cleveland Browns. He didn’t answer, but he tried to fire my dog. So I asked him, “What do you plan to do to help the Browns on third and one?” He again ignored me.

Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that right now, I am the most powerful person in the world. I am undecided in Ohio. I control the election. And I am worried about the Browns.

But President Obama isn’t any better. He had four years to fix the Cleveland Browns, and instead he focused on stuff like getting health care to sick people, and killing Osama Bin Laden. So on Tuesday when he came by for our weekly game of rock, paper, scissors, I asked him how he planned to get the Browns to tighten up their defense, and he just looked at me. It was almost how he looked in the first debate. He’s not even awake enough to care.

That’s why I am undecided in Ohio.brownselfguitar

This morning Donald Trump offered $5 million to my favorite charity if I would just release my voting intentions. My favorite charity is the People Dedicated to Pulling Out Donald Trump’s Hair And Making It Into A Pittsburgh Steelers-Colored Noose Foundation.

The truth is not one of these politicians care about the Cleveland Browns situation. Things are dire. It is worse than Watergate, worse than Vietnam, even worse than the sinking of the Maine. It’s a national crisis, like a missing lapel flagpin or something. Therefore, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Did I mention I vote in Ohio?

But Joe Biden told me while laughing over shots and beers that the Browns, like the economy, are headed in the right direction and all the other stuff is just a bunch of malarkey. Then Paul Ryan stopped his P90X workout long enough to assure me that the math adds up for the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year. With evidence like that coming from those two guys, I finally felt better about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks By The Last Undecided Ohio Voter” »