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Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For
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Super Bowl XLVII Pick By A Re-Elected Liberal President Suspecting A Catfish Scam

January 24, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Super Bowl, Super Bowl

Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

Re-elected by you, my liberal agenda is clear. The Cleveland Browns will win Super Bowl XLVII. It’s my second term, I am all in.

My first order of business is to redistribute the Harbaugh family wealth. No single family should have the Super Bowl to themselves. Therefore, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl.harbaugh brothers entitled Party!

Yes, I’m bailing out my favorite football team. Plus just to use some of this excess political capital, I sold Kansas to the Taliban to create a multi-religious Land Of The Righteous where everyone gets a holy book and a gun. Enjoy.

Do I feel entitled? According to my new tax code, Aaron Rodgers is now a Cleveland Brown.

The Baltimore Ravens versus the Sanobama points to harbaugh brothers Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl? Who said that, FOX News, FOX sports? Karl Rove and Terry Bradshaw are hilarious. Oh, I get it. Super Bowl XLVII is some kind of Catfish scam; an imaginary matchup. How come the Cleveland Browns aren’t in the game?

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this Super Bowl. Sure, I am delusional but if you think delusional is bad, you are delusional. Delusions make the world go round. Trust me.

I am no George W. Bush chasing imaginary weapons of mass destruction. My Super Bowl conspiracy theory is true, and I know all about true conspiracy theories. I am a Kenyan-born socialist flag-burning gay handicapped Spanish speaking Muslim woman with a lifetime membership to an abortion clinic. I can’t fool anyone.

So heck, to replace Kansas on the flag that I like to burn for fuel because I don’t like fossil fuels, Washington DC is now a state. Watch out, Texas. I’m also looking for room on the flag for Puerto Rico. Plus once Fidel Castro dies, it’s only a matter of time until Cuba is a state and Havana gets an NFL team, the Havana Hawks.

That’s how I plan to solve immigration… with NFL expansion. It’s so much kinder than standard colonization. Truth.

So, Ravens and 49ers in the Super Bowl in Barack Obama’s America?

Against all my instincts, I am allowing this to happen. Don’t tell me I am not bipartisan. I’ve seen the intelligence reports from the CIA and the Navy Seals. The Harbaugh brothers have been plotting for decades, and no one can stop whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVII Pick By A Re-Elected Liberal President Suspecting A Catfish Scam” »

Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop

December 14, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
– Eurythmics

These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

Brady passes to elfChristmas elf touchdown

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop” »

Week 14 NFL Picks by Mayans Dancing Gangnam Style

December 06, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

This is the end
Beautiful friend
The end
My only friend, the end
– The Doors

These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

gangnam style oakland raidersMayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks by Mayans Dancing Gangnam Style” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff

November 28, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe
But at least I’m enjoying the ride!
– The Grateful Dead

These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Fireman Ed jumps a cliffthelma and louise New York JetsOkay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By Clint Eastwood And A Chair

September 02, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Said there ain’t no use in crying
Cause it will only, only drive you mad
Does it hurt to hear them lying?
Was this the only world you had?
– Led Zeppelin

These week 1 NFL Picks will now be ad-libbed by Clint Eastwood and a chair as if they were written by the Founding Fathers.

Clint Eastwood:     One of the founding fathers, Ben Franklin, George Washington or Ronald Reagan, wrote this. I mean, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, Look, he has a chair. clint eastwood talks to roger goodell-1 But this isn’t just a chair. Roger Goodell is sitting in it with a replacement referee sitting on his lap. I remember when Mr. Goodell was made NFL Commissioner and there was all sorts of hope and change. I thought this is great. Oprah is crying. I was even crying. He was a real sheriff.

But then I found out (talking to the chair) you hate the Cleveland Browns, and that’s why they stink. So Mr. Commissioner, how do you explain a decade of Cleveland Browns sucking, other than that you hate them? What other reason could there be that they stink? What have you got against the Cleveland Browns, Mr. Goodell? I don’t care that you haven’t even been in office for a decade. That’s not how MY facts work. And why is a replacement referee sitting on your lap?

Oh you said you’d be fair to the Saints, but where’s the evidence Mr. Goodell? You have evidence on the Saints, but you won’t show the evidence – or something like that. I don’t know. I heard something that might be true. I know there is a version of the truth out there that I like, and it makes me mad that Commissioner Goodell is too blind to see what I want to see. Scott Fujita, suspended for three games, plays for the Browns now and so he should be pardoned immediately.

I like to fire people. I mean, I like to fire at people, I mean I am fired up for the Cleveland Browns season. I am studying to become a born-again Mormon, and I want to marry a corporation as soon as the Church of Latter Day New Orleans Saints accepts me. I think I want to marry Apple, or maybe Sherwin Williams.

I know what you are thinking. Will the Cleveland Browns win five games or six this season? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kind of lost track of my pick myself. I am pretty sure it was more than five or six. But being this is a 16-game season, and the NFL season is the most awesome sports season in the world that can literally blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself this one question, do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk? You actually think the Cleveland Browns are not going to be the best team in the NFL this year? Go ahead, make my day.

Finally, I would like to offer a brief quote you can take out of context and then base your campaign, signs, and slogans around. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Clint Eastwood And A Chair” »