I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self defense
– Bob Marley
You are not getting week 1 NFL picks from Colin Kaepernick until the Cleveland Browns are treated better by the rest of the league.
Look, I know you came here for NFL picks. I can hear the National Anthem as a prelude to the start of the picks. But my brain is in no better shape than Teddy Bridgewater’s knee.
My brain suffered a non-contact injury thinking about the presidential election. It was after my injury that I thought those pig socks were a good idea.
Still, I am glad you are paying attention to me. And I know you want me to protest in a different manner – a manner in which you wouldn’t have to pay attention.
But as I told Hillary Clinton in an email, receiving $12 million to play backup quarterback is my own hardship. But this isn’t about me or any of the clandestine Goldman Sachs work that I’ve done for the Clinton Foundation.
This is about the abuse of lesser teams in our league.
Sure, my 49ers are just as woeful as the Cleveland Browns. I don’t care at all about that. If we can’t make the Cleveland Browns great again, what’s the point of my being a double agent for the man who is as orange as the Browns helmet, Donald Trump?
Yes, that is right. Just as I am half black and half white, I am working for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton because, with these two as our choice, no lives matter. And the truth is that every day, like you, I change my mind on who I dislike more.
It’s like trying to pick a Cleveland Browns starting quarterback. There are no good choices and no matter what you do, you know the season is going down in screaming ball of flames.
This is why I am more concerned about the Browns than the 49ers.
If I was concerned about the 49ers, I probably wouldn’t be the lead story on the CBS Evening News. Instead, I am concerned about America – specifically the portion in Northeast Ohio.
Since we are in the season of conspiracy theories, try this one on: I am hoping to force my way out San Francisco so I can go to Cleveland and become the Browns next failed starting quarterback. Pretty good, huh? Someone call Alex Jones.
The National Anthem just ended. It’s time for me to stand up and tell you one more conspiracy theory. When I was working for Trump, I helped Tom Brady deflate those footballs. Then I worked for Clinton and told Roger Goodell.
That’s when he laughed and said, “You’re not going to believe whatzgonnahappen.”
PANTHERS AT BRONCOS – Panthers, 23, Broncos 20
BROWNS AT EAGLES – Browns 32, Eagles 31Sorry, there are no polls available at the moment.
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Buccaneers 30, Falcons 20
BENGALS AT JETS – Bengals 27, Jets 24
BEARS AT TEXANS – Texans 24, Bears 17
VIKINGS AT TITANS – Titans 18, Vikings 10
BILLS AT RAVENS – Bills 35, Ravens 24
PACKERS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 28, Packers 27
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Chargers 23, Chiefs 21
RAIDERS AT SAINTS – Saints 47, Raiders 43
DOLPHINS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 29, Dolphins 7
LIONS AT COLTS – Colts 27, Lions 24
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Giants 31, Cowboys 10
PATRIOTS AT CARDINALS – Cardinals 26, Patriots 6
STEELERS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 31, Steelers 21
RAMS AT 49ers – Rams 20, 49ers 17
This column is sponsored by the Roger Ailes Charm Society.