Somewhere, somehow, somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you want to lay there
And revel in your abandon
– Tom Petty
These week 11 NFL Picks, after consulting with governors of the 31 other teams, have decided not to accept Cleveland Browns fans as refugees.
Yes, we have seen the pictures of their despair. And we understand that cheering for almost any other NFL team would improve the lives of these folks immensely, and spare them weekly torture based on their religion.
But frankly, these people can’t be trusted.
They have been second-class citizens for so long that some Browns fans, we’re sure, are liable to have a Brady Quinn flashback, or worse yet, a Charlie Frye flashback in the middle of a perfectly fine NFL game. Can you imagine the type of havoc a disgruntled Browns fan could cause at something like a New England Patriots party?
No? Okay, allow us to imagine it for you and then tell you about it 24 hours a day on our cable news channel, FUX News.
We are, in fact, so fearful of these Cleveland Browns refugee fans that we’re with candidate Donald Trump when he suggested that all of them be forced to wear an orange helmet on their clothing.
We understand that this crisis has been a long time coming and that it was our own actions of allowing the team to move to Baltimore that started this. But these are the consequences of a displaced people who find they have nowhere to go except anywhere else.
Browns fans have not cheered for an actual NFL team for decades, therefore they are different and suspicious. Because of them, we are continually worried about whatzgonnahappen.
TITANS AT JAGUARS – Which mediocre quarterback of the future wearing a Power Rangers uniform do you believe in? Jacksonville is at home, so that decides it. Jaguars 19, Titans 13
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – The Kirk Cousins contract talks stall at about halftime. Panthers 30, Redskins 10
RAIDERS AT LIONS – The young Raiders on the road against a suddenly rejuvenated Lions team, right? Wrong on the “rejuvenated” part. These Lions are sadly, just like the one named “Cecil.” Raiders 26, Lions 12
COWBOYS AT DOLPHINS – Tony Romo ain’t rescuing nothing, no how, no way. Dolphins 30, Cowboys 20
COLTS AT FALCONS – Matt Hasselbeck subscription to Fountain of Youth Magazine expires. Falcons 36, Colts 13
RAMS AT RAVENS – When you turn to Case Keenum, you give up even more than a team that has already given up. Ravens 20, Rams 18
JETS AT TEXANS – Geno Smith against TJ Yates. This is a Replacement game. Jets 24, Texans 12
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – This game’s headline should be “Whoa, Slowdown With That Changing Of The Guard Crap.” Packers 31, Vikings 21
BUCCANEERS AT EAGLES – When you know that the first sentence of your starting quarterback’s long-in-the-future obituary will include the words “butt fumble,” you are not in a good place. Buccaneers 25, Eagles 19
BRONCOS AT BEARS – Brock Osweiler only has to be better than Peyton Manning, which should be easy. Monday’s headline: Broncos ride Osweiler to win. Broncos 32, Bears 17
BENGALS AT CARDINALS – Red Rover, Red Rover, send Andy Dalton over. Cardinals 52, Bengals 20
49ers AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are not what the once were. And while Blame Gabbert is slightly better than he once was, and much better than Colin Kaepernick. this won’t be close. Seahawks 26, 49ers 12
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Out of nowhere, here come Chiefs, and into Los Angeles, there go the Chargers. Chiefs 22, Chargers 14
BILLS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots hire Harry Potter as Director of Dirty Tricks. Rex Ryan studies to become a potter. Patriots 55, Bills 12
BYE AT SAINTS – The big fat shadow of Rob Ryan hangs over the city.
BYE AT GIANTS – Eli Manning goes to a surgeon to change the stunned sad expression frozen on his face.
BYE AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger writes a children’s book about Jared from Subway.
BYE AT BROWNS – Mike Pettine learns Johnny Manziel’s name.
This column is sponsored by the sun rising in the morning.