You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
– The Beatles
These Week 12 NFL picks by a turkey suggest that all turkeys are Cleveland Browns fans, just as all Browns fans are turkeys.
Stick with me here, because this is about to get newsy. So, you know how Turkey just shot down a Russian fighter jet?
Turkey. Violence against humans… you do the math.
We are turkeys, and we are pissed.
Plus (speaking of math) we hate your little thankful holiday where you all sit around and pretend that you don’t have decades old grievances simmering inside.
You want to know about a grievance? First pass the gravy because my family is about to have your Mom for dinner. How’s that feel, pilgrim?
Here’s a grievance worse than seeing your relatives served with cranberry sauce – this week the Cleveland Browns benched the greatest quarterback who ever lived, Johnny Manziel. And yet, in the now famous video that cost him his job, Johnny Manziel was nowhere near any kind of turkey, even Wild Turkey.
Meanwhile, the people who run the Browns have been called turkeys, but that’s an insult to turkeys. So you can see how this has all built up to this moment.
All I can say is happy Thanksgiving to you and your family (well, except your Mom), from me and my family (well, except generations of relatives). We don’t know how this is going to end but it’s safe to say that at this time of year we’re afraid of whatzgonnahappen.
EAGLES AT LIONS – The last time I looked the Lions had fired everybody and some fan was running the team, while Chip Kelly is running the Eagles. The Lions have a smarter long-term strategy. Lions 24, Eagles 16
PANTHERS AT COWBOYS – This is one of the more interesting Thanksgiving day games I can recall, although tryptophan causes memory loss. That’s what Jerry Jones hopes after the game. Panthers 32, Cowboys 17
BEARS AT PACKERS – Minutes after the Packers retire Brett Favre’s number, he unretires and finishes the game by throwing a touchdown pass to Aaron Rodgers. Packers 29, Bears 22
SAINTS AT TEXANS – It doesn’t appear the Saints fired the defense along with the defensive coordinator. Texans 31, Saints 27
VIKINGS AT FALCONS – The Falcons should re-brand as turkeys. Vikings 24, Falcons 20
RAMS AT BENGALS – Not on prime time. Bengals roll. Bengals 33, Rams 18
BUCCANEERS AT COLTS – Jameis is not the sameis on the road. Colts 23, Buccaneers 20
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – If the Giants make the playoffs and the Patriots are undefeated, this is the kind of game that pushes them forward. Giants 24, Redskins 20
RAIDERS AT TITANS – Derek Carr has advanced farther than Marcus Mariots ever will. Raiders 32, Titans 12
BILLS AT CHIEFS – Rex Ryan looks on the field and sees the NFL has assigned Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus as referees. Chiefs 25, Bills 18
DOLPHINS AT JETS – Which team has fallen apart more? Jets 10, Dolphins 9
JAGUARS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are racing the Browns for the number one pick in the draft but the Chargers aren’t dumb like the Browns so they won’t win meaningless games.
CARDINALS AT 49ers – This will be closer than I thought I think it will. That’s right. Cardinals 24, 49ers 15
STEELERS AT SEAHAWKS – Of the flawed, I believe a lot more in Ben Roethlisberger than I do in the Seahawks defense. Steelers 22, Seahawks 10
PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – Bill Belichick had extra-long-lasting tryptophan injected into every turkey in the Denver metropolitan area to make sure the Broncos and their fans were sleepy for the weekend game. Patriots 31, Broncos 21
RAVENS AT BROWNS – Mike Pettine defines “Play Like A Brown” as committing a lot of penalties, not going out of your way to tackle anyone, and never ever going to a party. This guy is a genius. Browns 1,000,000,000, Raven 0
This column is sponsored by Donald Trump’s Thanksgiving At A Mosque