I saw a butterfly in hell today
Will I die or go to jail today
– Lil Wayne
These week 13 NFL Picks put on a this cool blue uniform to give thanks for not being charged by a grand jury for picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl for each of the last 15 years.
But the grand jury in its wisdom decided that I picked the Browns to win all those Super Bowls in self defense. I said that I had no choice, and they chose to believe me because I have a cool blue uniform. I couldn’t believe it. I told them that each time I fired off a Super Bowl prediction, I felt that my life was in danger because the season was charging at me.
So you know what I did this year, don’t you? I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl again because, screw it, I can do whatever I want. Sure, there are witnesses who saw me pick the Browns all those other years. So?
I did it again because I claim I was scared when I did it. The season was charging at me like a demon.
Did you see how I used the words “charging at me” with such effect? I’ve learned if you use those words and you wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want.
But you’ve got to wear a cool blue uniform, which is about the same as wearing a blue Dallas Cowboys uniform in the 1990s and hanging out with Michael Irvin, or a blue New York Giants uniform in the 1980s and hanging out with Lawrence Taylor. With a blue uniform anything goes.
However, if you don’t wear a cool blue uniform, you have to obey the law and even some made-up ones by people wearing cool blue uniforms. If you do wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want and no one cares whatzgonnahappen.
BEARS AT LIONS – I will watch this game while eating a turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce appetizer and then watching as Jay Cutler turns into a turkey while I have my pumpkin pie appetizer. Lions 30, Bears 17
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – For my main course, I will have turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce.. On one side of this game is Jerry Jones. On the other is Mark Sanchez. Even if I draw with a crayon around my hand, I cannot create two more realistic turkeys. Cowboys 31, Eagles 21
SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Pumpkin pie piled high with Ice cream made from turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce sounds good for dessert, especially when watching these two teams try to freeze each other out of the end zone. 49ers 13, Seahawks 10
BROWNS AT BILLS – After the contents of Lake Erie were dumped on Buffalo in the form of snow, the Bills return home to face the Browns. Brian Hoyer is stuck in traffic and shows up for only the final 44 seconds. Browns 20, Bills 17
REDSKINS AT COLTS – Robert Griffin III versus Andrew Luck. Wow, I’ve been waiting for this one. What? Colt McCoy versus Andrew Luck. My money says a Colt wins this game. Colts 34, Redskins 27
CHARGERS AT RAVENS – The Chargers, at this point in history, should not even be required to travel east. Just give them a loss, save the gas. Ravens 27, Chargers 20
TITANS AT TEXANS – JJ Watt is thankful that Zach Mettenberger is slow. Texans 24, Titans 13
PANTHERS AT VIKINGS – I don’t like Cam Newton’s ankles, and I don’t trust Teddy Bridgewater’s game. Ben Tate runs for 100. Vikings 17, Panthers 10
GIANTS AT JAGUARS – I want to sit next to Odell Beckham Jr. at Thanksgiving because I know when he passes the gravy, he will not drop it. Giants 19, Jaguars 9
RAIDERS AT RAMS – Both of these teams used to play in Los Angeles, and somehow that makes this game interesting. I hate what Hollywood puts out these days. Rams 19, Raiders 18
BENGALS AT BUCCANEERS – A 1 PM game that is not on national TV against a bad team is about the only way to bet on the Bengals. Still, this feels like a trap game. Buccaneers 23, Bengals 16
SAINTS AT STEELERS – The Saints are probably going to make the playoffs by continuing to do what they will do this Sunday, lose on the road. Steelers 31, Saints 24
CARDINALS AT FALCONS – A battle of first place teams has never looked quite like this. Cardinals 29, Falcons 17
PATRIOTS AT PACKERS – A Super Bowl preview? Not so fast. It’s only November. But this would be the Super Bowl if it were held right now. in November, neutral field, Patriots win. In New England, Patriots win. In Green Bay? Remember, the season is not on the line. Packers 34, Patriots 28
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Peyton Manning is aging in recent weeks in ways that Tom Brady did earlier in the year. While the Chiefs loss to the Raiders was embarrassing, the loud crowd fixes the wound. Chiefs 26, Broncos 23
DOLPHINS AT JETS – With nothing to lose, Rex Ryan gives Joe Namath a uniform, a bottle of vodka, and a playbook. He hires Suzy Kolber as offensive coordinator. Dolphins 22, Jets 6
This column is sponsored by gravy.