News guy wept and told us
Earth was really dying
– David Bowie
These Week 17 NFL Picks would like to take one final time to say goodbye to David Bowie, the United States of America, and the Cleveland Browns year-long losing streak.
All will be missed in their own way.
The Browns began the year by pinning their hopes on fragile-as-glass Robert Griffin III, who was last good during the first Obama administration. And now, after the most emotional win an 0-14 team could ever have, the Browns are pinning their hopes on the football season ending.
It’s been that kind of year. Heroes died, an unstable authoritarian was elected president by folks educated from Texas schoolbooks, and one win out of 15 games is what my favorite NFL team called “their Super Bowl.” It seemed like reality cracked.
The NFL, which throws the American flag and the military and God and how much they care about women in our face during every game, sure showed their moral compass this year.
The all-knowing league suspended Tom Brady for four games for doing something that they can’t prove, suspended Josh Gordon indefinitely for smoking pot, which is legal in several states in America, and allowed Tyreek Hill, who beat up his pregnant girlfriend, to run around scoring touchdowns for the Kanas City Chiefs.
Old acquaintances, like that year-long losing streak and common decency, must be forgotten. As the season and the year mercifully come to an end, we soon realize that as bad as 2016 was, there’s another year coming.
In 2017, just imagine whatzgonnahappen.
TEXANS AT TITANS – Texans 20, Titans 17
BILLS AT JETS – Bills 10, Jets 6
RAVENS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Ravens 17
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 25, Giants 18
PACKERS AT LIONS – Packers 29, Lions 27
JAGUARS AT COLTS – Colts 30, Jaguars 20
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Cowboys 24, Eagles 19
BEARS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 23, Bears 20
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 26, Panthers 20
BROWNS AT STEELERS – Browns 31, Steelers 30
SAINTS AT FALCONS – SAINTS 50, FALCONS 48
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – Patriots 30, Dolphins 20
CARDINALS AT RAMS – Cardinals 24, Rams 17
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Chiefs 33, Chargers 23
SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Seahawks 23, 49ers 18
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Broncos 10, Raiders 7
This column is sponsored by gravity-science deniers.