Take this job and shove it
I ain’t working here no more
– Johnny Paycheck
These week 2 NFL picks have been curated by White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who then declared them to be a fireable offense.
I think she said this because last Friday I predicted that the Patriots would lose the game that they lost they day before. The White House, all big Patriots fans, declared my prediction of the actual score from a game that already happened to be fake news, offensive, and a fireable offense.
I thought I was stating facts, but the White House said there are “many sides” to the score of 42-27. It is hard to argue with that.
And so I have just fired myself, at the request of the White House. Instead, I will be filing these columns from Breitbart News, where I have an office next to my new best friend, Steve Bannon, who told me long ago that the President reads Whatzgonnahappen more often than he reads national security reports.
I think that Bannon, like me, is a Cleveland Browns fan and, in fact, an orange nationalist. Well, he may have meant something different when he said, “orange.” Okay, we are not exactly alike.
Like Bannon, I still talk to the President two or three times a week. So when I informed him that I had fired myself, he seemed both pleased and angry with me and added, “I’d like you to be the last person I talk to before I make a decision.” Since he is famous for holding the opinion of the last person he talked to, I agreed.
“So on North Korea,” he said, “You and me. We’ll figure out whatzgonnahappen.”
TEXANS AT BENGALS – Texans 13, Bengals 9
PATRIOTS AT SAINTS – Patriots 40, Saints 30
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Browns 24, Ravens 23
BEARS AT BUCCANEERS – Bears 25, Buccaneers 19
EAGLES AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 27, Eagles 20
VIKINGS AT STEELERS – Vikings 32, Steelers 17
BILLS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 23, Bills 16
CARDINALS AT COLTS – Cardinals 31, Colts 7
TITANS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 28, Titans 27
DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – Dolphins 20, Chargers 19
JETS AT RAIDERS – Raiders Infinity, Jets Minus Infinity
49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 33, 49ers 13
REDSKINS AT RAMS – Redskins 17, Rams 14
COWBOYS AT BRONCOS – Broncos 22, Cowboys 20
PACKERS AT FALCONS – Falcons 40, Packers 39
LIONS AT GIANTS – Lions 31, Giants 21